IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays, more and more
children
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 spend excessive
time
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 on their
smartphones
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 every day. There are several reasons leading to the case, which I think is a negative development. Some reasons
are contributed
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contribute
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 to
this
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 habit for young people.
First,
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due to
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 the advancement of technology,
children
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 become more
rely
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reliant
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 on their
phones
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 to learn new knowledge.
For example
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, Chatgpt is widely used by
younger
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the younger
a younger
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 generation, with
the
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apply
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intelligent and timely
reply
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replies
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,
children
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 can make use of these novel tools on
there
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their
show examples
smartphones
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 to improve their learning.
Also
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,
children
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 are easy to be obsessed with entertaining functions of
phones
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,
such
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 as mobile games and social media, which is hard to quit. Without
cellphones
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cell phones
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, lots of pleasure will disappear
to
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apply
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them
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apply
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. Despite the educational and amusing features of
smartphones
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, for me, it is a negative
phenomena
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phenomenon
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 that may do harm to
children
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. The over-reliance
of
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on
show examples
 searching
information
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for information
show examples
 using their
phones
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 may cause detrimental effects.
While
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 the information on the Internet may not be accurate all the
time
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,
children
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, who haven't developed their critical thinking, will not filter the knowledge they saw and may
misinterprete
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misinterpret
misinterpreted
 the information.
For instance
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, young
children
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 may learn ways to lose weight when spending
time
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 on
the
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apply
show examples
smartphones
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.
However
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, many of the methods may damage
children
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's health, leading to eating disorders or anxiety.
In addition
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,
children
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 are not mature
enought
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enough
 to
controll
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control
their
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the
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 hours
spending
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spent
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 on scrolling
the
Change the word
their
show examples
phones
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, which may influence their physical and mental health.
According to
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 the news,
children
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 will play on
thier
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their
phones
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 at sleeping
time
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, with the light closed.
This
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turn
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turns
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 out to be a serious problem for
children
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, which causes eye problems much earlier. In conclusion, spending
to
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too
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 much
time
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 on
smartphones
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 may
associate
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be associated
show examples
 with physical and mental problems for young
children
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, which is a negative development.
Submitted by lovesonya0227 on

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Grammar
Ensure precision in language, as some minor grammatical mistakes are present.
Language Use
Enhance explanation of points with more detail and varied vocabulary to increase clarity.
Structure
The essay presents a balanced argument by acknowledging both the reasons for the behavior and its negative impacts.
Structure
Introduction and conclusion are well-crafted to provide a clear overview and summary of the topic respectively.
Examples
The essay uses relevant examples that provide a practical context to the arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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