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Band 3.5

A lot of people who wanted to become professional athlete give up this idea because of the fear of failure and parental pressure. Do you think that parents should support support children who want a career in sport?

#people #athlete #idea #fear #failure #pressure #parents #support #children #career #sport
Nowadays, can can be seen a rise in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of those who want to become athletes and start
career
Add an article
a career
show examples
 in
this
 field,
although
 some
parents
 are against it.
This
 essay will explain in detail why
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that
parents
 must be supportive in relation
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
Add an article
the interest
an interest
show examples
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 of their
children
 and put forward several reasons why. In today's
society
Add a comma
society,
show examples
 there are plenty of youngsters who want to become
athlete
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
show examples
 and some
parents
 are against it
due to
 several reasons. First of all,
parents
 are trying to provide their
children
 with stable work and make them fully independent for the life ahead, as being a sportsperson is risky and extremely competitive in comparison with other occupations,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 jobs like programming offering more places in a job market and became very steady. All these aspects are
fudamentally affectin
Correct your spelling
fundamentally affecting
 on standpoint of
parents
.
On the other hand
,
supportiveness
Correct article usage
the supportiveness
show examples
 of elders can boost
interest
Add an article
the interest
show examples
 of
children
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 and increase their motivation which can be crucial at the beginning of
athlete's
Correct article usage
an athlete's
show examples
 career.
Moreover
, being
sportsman
Correct article usage
a sportsman
show examples
/sportswoman requires
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 active lifestyle which extremely helpful for both the body and mental well being too
while
 in other occupations there is a lot of stress and pressure. In fact, professional athletes have
hgih slaryies
Correct your spelling
high salaries
 and contracts that are much
more
Change the word
apply
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higher than
annual
Correct article usage
the annual
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slary
Correct your spelling
salary
 of
ordianry
Correct your spelling
ordinary
 workers.
To conclude
,
this
 essay
explained
Wrong verb form
explains
show examples
 why I believe that
parents
 have to be supportive in terms of
interests
Correct article usage
the interests
show examples
 of their
children
 and explained why.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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specific examples
Work on providing more specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
logical structure
Try to organize your ideas more logically. This can be done by ensuring each paragraph flows naturally into the next, and that each section of your essay is distinct and adds to your overall argument.
task achievement
The essay effectively handles the topic by discussing both parental concerns and the benefits of supporting children in sports.
introduction conclusion
You have clearly included an introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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