IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The government should spend money in promoting sports and art in school, rather than sponsoring professional sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the contemporary era of globalization, new
subjects
Use synonyms
 have been integrated into the education system. A wide range of folks are convinced that the
government
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 should invest more money in enhancing sports and arts in schools.
This
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 is better than making others sponsor these things in the community events. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
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 argument.
To begin
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 with, Nowadays, there are a lot of undiscovered talents. These youths should be discovered at an early stage.
This
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 way can assist them in ameliorating their abilities and merits.
In other words
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, some kids are gifted and need to focus on them more.
In addition
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, if the
government
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 concentrates on
this
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 type of subject, it will lead to a new skilled, and innovative generation.
According to
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 a study conducted by Tokyo University, the new education system in Japan led to many youths being artists and athletes.
Furthermore
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, it will mitigate the immigration of these children to other countries and take their nationality. One of the sparked trends is a wide range of Egyptian sports players travelling to other countries for better chances.
However
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, it will be better to enhance other fundamental
subjects
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such
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 as computing and programming.
Moreover
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, these
subjects
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 are related more to the future. It will help the country to follow the wave and be able to create a well-developed generation.
For instance
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, in China, the
government
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 concentrates more on technological
subjects
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. It provides its students with magnificent privileges. Despite understanding
this
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 point of view, I cannot agree with it. In order to generate a creative and healthy generation, governments should be aware of these
subjects
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otherwise
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 an inaction community will appear. In conclusion, from what has been discussed above, the
government
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 should play a vital role in
this
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 method. It should invest more money to help these students and their families.
This
Linking Words
 will be reflected in the future if they reward and raise their countries' flags high.

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Coherence and Cohesion
While the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, consider reinforcing the linkage between ideas for greater impact.
Task Achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to strengthen the arguments presented in your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay contains a well-structured introduction and conclusion, contributing to its coherent flow.
Task Achievement
The writer has addressed both sides of the argument, showing a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay effectively discusses the importance of government support in promoting sports and arts in schools.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Foster early talent
  • Holistic development
  • Accessibility
  • Long-term benefits
  • Socio-economic background
  • Culturally rich society
  • Reduced inequality
  • Community bonding
  • Foundation skills
  • Engaged citizens
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