IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is common nowadays for each member of the family to have their own piece of modern technology. Some people think this will lead to a breakdown in family relationships and communication. To what extent do you agree?

#member #piece #technology #people #breakdown #relationships #communication
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Having a personal technological device has become popular among some demographics of society. It is thought by some people as a threat to family bonds. Considering the importance of
tehcnology
Correct your spelling
technology
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, I do not agree with
this
 statement, which
this
 essay
further
 elaborates on.
Firstly
, it should
be acknowledge
Change the verb form
be acknowledged
show examples
 that excessive using of
technology
 can
be resulted
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in not only less quality
relasionship
Correct your spelling
relationship
relationships
, but
also
 some
health
 concerns may appear.
In other words
,
exposuring
Correct your spelling
exposing
exposure
 constant radiating can lead to
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and deteriorated
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
show examples
. Yet,
this
 issue can
be mitigate
Change the verb form
be mitigated
show examples
 by setting some rules.
For example
, parents could organize outdoor activities which do not include screen-time, or determine time limits so that their children might pay attention to their
lesson
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lessons
show examples
 and spend much time with their peers or family. One thing should be taken into account
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it is almost impossible to imagine our contemporary life without
technology
.
Technology
 plays an integral role in every field,
such
 as education,
health
,
sports
Correct word choice
and sports
show examples
.
For example
, nearly all lessons had shifted to
videoconferance
Correct your spelling
videoconference
video conference
 during covid-19 pandemic, in other
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
 doctors can easily determine the real cause of any
health
 problems of their patients.
Therefore
, being fully aware of
technology
 may create beneficial results for us. The more having
laptop
Correct article usage
a laptop
show examples
 means the more people have IT skills.
Thus
, it is better to own
personal
Correct article usage
a personal
show examples
 device for every
invidual
Correct your spelling
individual
 in
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
. In conclusion,
while
technology
 could bring some problems in terms of
health
 and
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
, bearing in mind how technological skills are crucial in today's world, I do not support that statement
due to
 the reasons mentioned above.
Submitted by agayevnamiq842 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a clear and well-organized structure with clear topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument.
Task Achievement
Attempt to provide more detailed examples that are directly related to family relationships to enhance the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
A well-defined introduction and conclusion frame the essay effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay contains clear ideas, which are mostly conveyed in a logical sequence.
Task Achievement
The topic is approached from multiple angles, showing an understanding of its complexity.
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