IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Mobile phones and the Internet play an important role in the way people relate to one another socially. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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In today's era, technology like mobile
phones
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 internet play a vital role in communicating with
people
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 on social media. I firmly disagree with the said notion
due to
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 the following trend,
furthermore
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, mobile is
also
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 used for the purpose of
entertainment
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. To commence with the view of the agreement,
due to
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 mobile
phones
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 had an astounding experience. To elaborate on it, several
people
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 enjoyed the
entertainment
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 through mobile
phones
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 by playing games and chatting with friends. To illustrate it, in recent times, when COVID-19 occurred,
people
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 started using mobile
phones
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 for the purpose of
entertainment
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 by playing games like Pubg and Ludo which skyrocketed.
In addition
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, meeting in person was
also
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 restricted by the government so
people
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 were communicating mainly through WhatsApp. Shifting towards views of disagreement, in the modern era, individuals have made a trend of having mobile
phones
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such
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 as, " One who has a
phone
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 is cool".
On the other hand
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, "those who don't have a
phone
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 are seen by
people
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 as failures".
Hence
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, many pupils have been distracted from their studies
due to
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following
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this
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 trend.
For example
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,in a survey conducted by Harvard
University
Change noun form
University's
show examples
 educational department, the top 50 students were given a
phone
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 for 30 days, and after that 45 of them experienced a negative effect on their academics,
furthermore
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, the remaining 5 were seen with no improvement.
Further
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 strengthening the view of disagreement, nowadays
people
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 are immersively inbounded in mobile
phones
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 and because of that they are not meeting their family, friends, and relatives in person.
For instance
Linking Words
, during family gatherings and on a special occasion all of the
people
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 are likely to be engaged on the
phone
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 rather than interacting with respective fellow members.
Therefore
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, most of the casual meetings are
also
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 boundly assigned online, minimally in person. In conclusion,
although
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 using mobile
phones
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 gives
entertainment
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 and makes communication easier during COVID-19, yet
people
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 spend most time on
phones
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 which has drastically affected their studies, other than that mobiles have bounded negatively around
people
Use synonyms
 like friends, family and relatives.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure the essay maintains a clear and consistent argument throughout. While the introduction touches on disagreement, the body presents both perspectives without clarity on the overall stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more linking words to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Words like 'however,' 'moreover,' and 'furthermore' could strengthen arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it fully with evidence or examples, focusing on making each point distinct and logical.
Task Achievement
Clarify the extent to which you agree or disagree at the beginning and stick to that throughout the essay. The thesis statement could be clearer about your stance.
Task Achievement
Try to elaborate more on the points made. While there are some good examples, some arguments need further clarification or expansion.
Task Achievement
The essay contains relevant examples, such as the COVID-19 scenario with mobile phones, which illustrate the points well.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame and close the argument effectively.
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