IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Because of the negative effects on health of an inactive lifestyle, all university students and school children should be forced to do sports activities at least 3 times per week. Do you agree? Write your argumentative essay.

#effects #health #lifestyle #university #students #school #children #sports #activities #times #week #argumentative
Education, per se, has made us what we are, master of the universe.
Furthermore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sclool
Correct your spelling
school
 life is significant and
presious
Correct your spelling
precious
previous
 following
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult life. Admitting that there is always the other side of the coin of advantages or disadvantages to
this
 question statement, the answer varies from person to person,
depeding
Correct your spelling
depending
 on the value systems or the personal traits. All in all, I agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that students should
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 in their school.
Fisrt
Correct your spelling
First
 and foremost, I believe that
sports
 activities help us maintain fit.
Furthermore
, many scientists and papers claim that
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 enables us
improve
Add the particle
to improve
show examples
 our productivity and concentration.
Although
 I do not decide whether the
minum
Correct your spelling
minimum
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 3 times per week for
sports
 is sufficient or not, regularly moving bodies has
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 for students’ performance.
Besides
, it is not only a temporary merit in school life but
also
asset
Correct article usage
an asset
show examples
 through
lifetime
Add an article
a lifetime
show examples
 to work
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 state.
Secondly
, that having been mentioned, I would like to hasten to add that
sports
 activities endowing students’ mental health good effects. Most students who prepare for getting good scores or entering their
promissing
Correct your spelling
promising
 schools tend to feel
isolate
Change the form of the verb
isolated
show examples
. To
adress
Correct your spelling
address
 that, it is efficient to do team
sports
, like football and volleyball. Team
sports
 need our cooperation
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other and improve
realtionship
Correct your spelling
relationship
relationships
 between friends.
Thus
, their motivation for their tasks can
maintain
Wrong verb form
be maintained
show examples
.
Submitted by hide8335 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Your essay generally responds to the task, but there is room for more elaboration. Consider adding more specific examples to support your arguments and make your points more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on refining your logical flow. Some paragraphs require clearer topic sentences and transitions. This will help guide the reader through your points more smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay does have an introduction and addresses the conclusion implicitly, a more explicit conclusion would help frame your argument and reinforce your stance.
Task Response
Try to express your ideas with more precision and clarity. Some sentences are complex and a bit unclear. Simplifying these and focusing on one idea per sentence can enhance understanding.
Task Response
Your essay has a clear stance and you maintain this position throughout, showing a consistent point of view.
Coherence and Cohesion
You use connective words like 'furthermore' and 'although' effectively to link your ideas together, which helps in maintaining cohesion across parts of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: