IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people believe that advertisements aimed at children should be banned. Others argue that advertisements have a positive impact on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #advertisements #children #impact
Some individuals think that
children
 should not see any
advertisements
while
 others believe that
children
 could be benefited from
advertisements
.
While
 some people believe the former because
advertisements
 could educate some pupils, I agree with the latter because
advertisements
 could encourage the pupils to consume prohibited
products
. Some
advertisements
 could be beneficial for kids if they are designed to be educational.
Due to
 the high number of media consumption among kids, educational
advertisements
 are effective in teaching kids.
For example
, Kodomo, an Indonesian toothpaste brand, advertises its
products
 by teaching
children
 to brush their teeth regularly and properly, and because of that, many
children
 are starting to brush their teeth better.
However
, I believe that
this
 type of advertisement is only applicable to a handful of brands.
Due to
 the fact that many
children
 do not have the proper level of emotional capacity,
advertisements
 could easily encourage
children
 to consume restricted
products
. Basically, all
advertisements
 are designed to easily attract as many people as possible, including
children
 to buy their
products
.
While
 the older generation has the capacity to consume
advertisements
 responsibly,
children
 lack the capacity to do so.
As a result
, many
children
 are influenced to buy
products
 that could harm them.
For instance
, The Indonesian government banned cigarette commercials on television because Indonesia has a high number of cigarette consumption among
children
.
To conclude
,
although
advertisements
 could educate pupils to do good things, I believe that
advertisements
 aimed at
children
 should be banned because they could encourage
children
 to buy prohibited goods.
Submitted by aribawadzaki on

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task achievement
Try to make your stance clear in the introduction. It's important to clearly state your opinion at the beginning or end of the introduction to guide the reader.
task achievement
Ensure all your main points are fully developed. While your points are strong, developing them with more examples or explanations could enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
To improve the logical flow, use more transitional phrases between points or paragraphs. This will enhance the coherence of your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views on advertising aimed at children and you clearly stated your own opinion.
task achievement
Provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your position and the main arguments presented, which contributes to a coherent and cohesive essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • impressionable
  • manipulative
  • discern
  • navigate choices
  • informed consumers
  • potentially beneficial
  • health consequences
  • creative development
  • imaginative play
  • economic impact
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