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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts compare how much the proportions of three fast-food outlets are favoured by teenagers in Vietnam and Indonesia in 2017 with projections for 2027.

The pie charts compare how much the proportions of three fast-food outlets are favoured by teenagers in Vietnam and Indonesia in 2017 with projections for 2027.
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This
Linking Words
 chart shows the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of three fast-food outlets
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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liked by juveniles in
Vietnam
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 and
Indonesia
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 in 2017, and projections for 2017. From the two pie charts
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
2017
Add a comma
2017,
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 we can see that KFC had the lowest
percentage
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 in both two countries, with a
percentage
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 of 4.1% in
Vietnam
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 and 23.8% in
Indonesia
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. Burger King
have
Change the verb form
has
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 the largest
poportion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of preference in
Vietnam
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,
while
Linking Words
 in
Indonesia
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 the most popular fast food restaurant is McDonald's, which
consisted
Wrong verb form
consists
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60.8
Change preposition
of 60.8
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%. The two charts in 2027
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 that McDonald's will become the fast-food outlets that have the largest proportion favoured by teenagers,
while
Linking Words
 in
Vietnam
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 the second largest proportion will be Burger King which accounts for 39%, and with the smallest proportion in KFC which consists 6.3%.
However
Linking Words
, the least popular
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
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 in
Indonesia
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 will be Burger King, which will have a
percentage
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 of 12.3%, still almost twice as high as the figure of KFC
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
Vietnam
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. In conclusion, the
percentage
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 of McDonald's is expected to increase in
Vietnam
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,
while
Linking Words
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 in
Indonesia
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, vietnam, indonesia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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