IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people spend a lot of money on clothes, haircuts, beauty products to enhance their appearance. Some think it is a good way to spend, while others think there are other better options. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #money #clothes #haircuts #beauty #products #appearance #think #options
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
people
Use synonyms
 invest a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 in clothes, haircuts, and
beauty
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 to enhance their physical appearance. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is a good way to invest
money
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that there are other better options for spending
money
Use synonyms
. I personally believe that
while
Linking Words
 spending on precious clothes, haircuts, and
beauty
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 increases someone's physical
beauty
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 should spend their
money
Use synonyms
 wisely on other places. Spending a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 on expensive clothes, haircuts and
beauty
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 increases the
beauty
Use synonyms
 of a
person
Use synonyms
. A
person
Use synonyms
 looks good when he spends a
lot
Use synonyms
 on personal grooming and expensive clothing. It helps him to present himself in front of others.
Moreover
Linking Words
, enhancing physical appearance helps a
person
Use synonyms
 to boost his confidence level. When a
person
Use synonyms
 feels that I am looking good and presentable, his confidence increases and it helps him to do his work properly.
For example
Linking Words
, Japanese
people
Use synonyms
 invest a
lot
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
beauty
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
, and that helps to make them presentable in front of others.
However
Linking Words
, I personally believe that a
person
Use synonyms
 should invest
money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 something significant. A
person
Use synonyms
 can invest
money
Use synonyms
 in personal development. He can achieve a degree, and enrol in a short course or
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
training to develop his skills and knowledge.
This
Linking Words
 practice can
also
Linking Words
 boost someone's confidence and skills.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a
person
Use synonyms
 can spend
money
Use synonyms
 to make a foreign trip, which can help him to learn about foreign cultures and traditions. A
person
Use synonyms
 becomes more knowledgeable about a foreign culture and tradition.
For instance
Linking Words
, the young generation from Bangladesh invests a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 to visit foreign countries, and it helps them to enhance their knowledge about foreign countries.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that a
person
Use synonyms
 should spend
money
Use synonyms
 to enhance his personal development. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
 should invest their
money
Use synonyms
 wisely.
Instead
Linking Words
 of spending
money
Use synonyms
 on
beauty
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 and expensive clothing, one should spend
money
Use synonyms
 on personal development.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that the essay remains focused on the topic throughout, without deviating from the main argument. In the introduction, clearly state both viewpoints before presenting your opinion to enhance clarity. Additionally, improve the clarity and depth of examples to strengthen your points. Examples should be more specific and directly linked to the argument. For instance, mention a study or statistic if available to support your claim about Japanese people's investment in grooming.
coherence and cohesion
Work on making transitions between paragraphs smoother. Use a variety of linking words or phrases to connect ideas coherently. Avoid repetitive expressions and try to diversify the sentence structures to improve the flow of the essay. Also, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea to be discussed.
task response
The essay presents a clear opinion, reflecting on both sides of the argument while maintaining a consistent stance.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-constructed, providing a clear opening to the essay and a summarized closing with the writer's stance.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: