IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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An intake of ultra-processed
food
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 with a high level of artificial sugar added has led to many diseases.
Therefore
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, many governments have proposed that
this
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 type of
food
Use synonyms
 should cost more in order to prevent its consumption.
Although
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 it is one of the measurements that should be taken into account, I believe that many others should be contemplated in parallel. In
this
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 essay, I will explain my reasons in detail. To start with,
it is clear that
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 when the products are pricey, many people might avoid buying them.
Thus
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, it forces people to search for alternatives.
For example
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, in Colombia, from 2020 there is a law that regulates the costs of sugar-added
food
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 by imposing a tax of 15%.
As a consequence
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 of
this
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, the sales of these goods have gone downhill by 45% approximately.
Besides
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, overweight and obesity have dropped by 10% in children, mainly in those families with a low or middle socioeconomic status.
Then
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, despite the fact that these conditions could work, they should be managed carefully
due to
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 their unequal impact on societies.
Conversely
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, humankind has to be aware of the
food
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that is
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 unhealthy,
hence
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, health promotion and disease prevention campaigns as policies of public health should be increased in all groups of ages.
For instance
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, in Colombia, most schools and universities have changed their curriculums in order to implement sessions in which nutritional parameters are taught.
As a result
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, almost 20% of the students have replaced junk
food
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 with fruits and vegetables.
To sum up
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, an expensive price for
food
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 with a high level of carbohydrates is considered an extreme measurement.
Nevertheless
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, more regulations should be done and preventative health should be implemented as a remarkable task.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a well-defined structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, try to ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next to maintain coherence.
Task Achievement
You addressed the overall topic effectively and provided detailed reasons to support your stance. However, consider elaborating on some points to offer a more comprehensive analysis.
Task Achievement
While your ideas are clear, a few sentences could be rephrased for better clarity. For instance, "many governments have proposed that this type of food should cost more" could be rephrased as "many governments have proposed increasing the cost of such foods."
Introduction and Conclusion
Your essay includes a well-structured introduction and conclusion that neatly encapsulate your main argument.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples, such as the case of Colombia. This helps to make your argument more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is quite robust, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point that supports your main argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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