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Writing Samples
Band 6

In todays modern world, the pressure of modern life is negative. What is your opinion?

#todays #world #pressure #life
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Homo- sapiens are living contemporary lifestyles. In the 21st century, the burden of contemporary life is impacting personal and family
relationships
 in
deleterious
Change the article
a deleterious
show examples
 manner.
According to
 me, those kinds of pressures are built up
due to
 a lack of understanding and
also
due to
 satisfying their desires.
Firstly
, the major reason behind the ruining of healthy
relationships
 is that
people
 are turning to be money-minded. Getting into details,
due to
 diverse competition
people
 are trying hard to work around the clock to satisfy their lavish demands. Day by day, the expenditures of common
people
 are expanding
due to
 materialistic things.
Due to
this
 ,
people
 are spending their most of
time
 earning and conflicts arise within families
due to
 a lack of communication and understanding.
According to
 studies, almost 25% of the world's population opt for illegal means to earn money to satisfy their needs but their families suffer a lot
due to
 their illegal work.
Furthermore
, another reason for the above-stated concern is that so many individuals are abandoning their ethical values.
People
 are devoting their
time
 to securing their jobs.
Due to
 hectic schedules, parents and youngsters are not spending quality
time
 with each other,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is why
relationships
 weaken.
Also
, social media and the internet are influencing
people
 at a greater pace and taking the place of their quality
time
. To support factual data, a survey was conducted by Toronto
university
Capitalize word
University
show examples
 which concluded that around 70% of
people
 are obsessed with social media platforms. So, mainly
people
 are not investing their
time
 in maintaining their
relationships
.
To conclude
, I would pen off by saying that
people
 ought to implement moral values in their lives and
also
 try to satisfy their worldly needs rather than luxurious needs.
Submitted by gursagarsingh1998 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly focuses on one main idea. The essay could be improved by ensuring the arguments are more distinct and perhaps explicitly linking back to the main topic.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to reinforce your points, such as real-world examples or studies.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, both of which effectively summarize the main points discussed.
task achievement
The essay discusses relevant issues such as the impact of a modern lifestyle on personal and family relationships, satisfying the task response effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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