IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Scientist agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health, some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people while others believe that this education will not work. Discuss both view and give your opinion

#scientist #people #junk #food #health #education #work
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The current lifestyle of
people
 is very
fast paced
Add a hyphen
fast-paced
show examples
 and stressful.
As a result
,
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
show examples
 have started resorting to
junk
food
 as a means to fight their hunger.
This
 has negative consequences as researchers agree that
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of oily
food
 impacts adversely. It is believed that the problem can be addressed by bringing awareness to consumers
while
 others believe that
this
 technique will not work. I will discuss both views followed by my opinion. The habits of
people
 nowadays have become very unhealthy.
This
 includes
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 consumption of
junk
food
. Most households now have two
people
 earning and
this
 leaves no or very
less
Correct word choice
little
show examples
 time to prepare something grand, which ultimately leads to
food
 being ordered from restaurants.
This
 constant consumption leads to
health
 problems like diabetes and heart issues. Educating
people
 about
this
 hazard is the least the government or
health
 ministry can do. It can be started from
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
 age only by giving presentations to stage plays and skits.
For example
, we live in the age of Artificial Intelligence. One can foresee what will happen in future based on the algorithms. If we feed our current
health
 statistics, it will predict the most plausible future in minutes.
On the contrary
, some
people
 believe that educating
people
 will not work. For that
also
, the government can step up by putting taxes on fast
food
 items and sugary snacks and drinks.
This
 will lead to
people
 being pinched when they consume
such
 things.
Also
,
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of public parks and gyms would add to the attraction for
people
 to opt for
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
the healthy
show examples
 way of living.
For instance
, a
BigMac
Correct your spelling
Big Mac
 costs less than a chicken garden salad at any restaurant. In order to counter that,
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 should be an additional
junk
food
 tax put by
government
Add an article
the government
a government
show examples
 which can later be used by
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 ministry only for treating heart patients and diabetics. In
conslusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
junk
food
 is bad injurious
health
 and eating too much of it can lead to damaging your
health
. In my opinion, educating
people
 about it is of utmost importance followed by placing strict measures placed by the
authories
Correct your spelling
authorities
 which would discourage the consumers
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 opting
junk
Change preposition
for junk
show examples
food
.
Also
, trying to adopt healthier options should
also
 be encouraged so that we can keep ourselves healthy.
Submitted by hudibaiqbal on

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task achievement
Make sure to expand more on your points with additional evidence and examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve some transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay, providing smoother coherence.
overall
Take care of minor language errors. While they don't significantly impact your score, smoother language enhances readability.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly sets up the discussion and presents both views effectively, which is great for coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task and offers a solid personal opinion, which are essential for task achievement.
task achievement
You use relevant examples like taxation and AI predictions, which enrich your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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