IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

These day, many children are obese. What are the probems? What are the solutions?

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In
 many countries,
childhood
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obesity
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 has become a dangerous health problem.
As a result
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, their lifestyle will be affected in the future, and they will suffer from many harmful
diseases
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, but these issues can be tackled by getting a healthy diet and holding sports competitions.
Firstly
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, society has become risky because of
childhood
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obesity
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.
In other words
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, when society suffers from
childhood
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obesity
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, it will generate lower Productivity.
For example
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,
obesity
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 can hurt a child's school performance
due to
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 health and mental stress. Later in life,
this
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 can lead to lower work productivity and more sick days in adulthood.
Secondly
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,
obesity
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 is becoming dangerous for
children
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's lives.
for instance
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, they may have Chronic
diseases
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such
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 as heart disease, high blood pressure and cancer.
Also
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,
Obesity
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 can make it hard for
children
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 to breathe and may cause asthma.
This
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 is because fast food is easily available and often replaces healthier meal options. One of the solutions is that parents should stop their
children
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 eat unhealthy food.
That is
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 to say, when parents give their
children
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 a recovery diet, it helps them lose weight, like eating many vegetables with main dishes, replacing chocolate with fruit and letting them play outside
instead
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 of sitting on their phones.
This
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, prevents
children
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 get harmful
diseases
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 in the future. Another effective measure is that the government should support
children
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 by holding sports competitions with valuable prizes, Which will help
children
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 to do exercises regularly and get fit.
However
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, these solutions can be challenging because these days, many
children
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 take lessons online and spend hours on their phones, so people have to deal with the problems.
To sum up
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,
childhood
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obesity
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 can lead to suffering from harmful
diseases
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 and affect our society.
This
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 problem can be solved if
children
Use synonyms
 recognise their food and do any sort of sports.

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coherence cohesion
Try to organize the essay with clear paragraphs, each with a main idea that supports the overall argument. For instance, make sure each solution is clearly tied back to the problems mentioned.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to strengthen your points. Instead of general instances, you could mention specific studies or data on the prevalence of childhood obesity.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the causes and solutions for childhood obesity, which makes it a complete response to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively used to frame the essay, setting the stage and summarizing the key points.
task achievement
The solution section offers practical measures, making the essay more actionable and insightful.
coherence cohesion
Logical flow is maintained throughout the essay, with ideas generally following one another in a coherent manner.
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