IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

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Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
 people suggest that
children
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 do not have a clear vision of the world of
work
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. Some believe that educational institutions should require teenagers to spend some
time
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 working
as well as
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 studying their regular subjects. I strongly believe that
children
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 up to the 9th grade do not need
work
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 experience, as there are many important areas they should focus on,
such
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 as studying and communication. In Moldova, people can start working and choose their profession after they turn 16.
This
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 is a more appropriate
age
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 to make thoughtful decisions and understand the purpose of
work
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. Before that
age
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, it is difficult to imagine how
children
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 can balance school and
work
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. First of all,
children
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 need enough
time
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 for their education. They attend school and
then
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 complete their homework. I am convinced that at
this
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age
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, they
also
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 need
time
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 to spend outdoors, where they develop communication skills. Combining
work
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 with studying can reduce academic performance and distract students from their studies.
Furthermore
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, managing both
work
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 and school responsibilities can be stressful for
children
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.
This
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 may reduce their motivation and ability to focus on learning and other important activities.
Children
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 will have enough
time
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 to
work
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 in the future, and at an early
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age
Add a comma
age,
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 they do not need a strict schedule that includes education,
work
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, homework, and household tasks. In conclusion, I would like to say that it is not wrong for
children
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 to want to gain experience, but everything should be done in moderation and at the right
time
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. I would advise young people to focus more on their development and education.

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task response
Answer the main question more directly in each body part.
task response
Add one clear example to show why your idea is true.
task response
Explain your main ideas a bit more, not only state them.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words like 'however', 'for example', and 'as a result' to show clear steps between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main point only.
coherence and cohesion
Connect your example to your main idea more clearly.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
Your ideas stay on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have a clear main idea.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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