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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some people argue that children do not understand the world of
work
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 and should spend a short period of time working
while
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 continuing their academic studies. I primarily agree with
this
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 statement because practical
work
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 experience can help young people understand the responsibilities of employment and prepare for adult life.
However
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, I believe it should only be introduced in a flexible way so that it won't negatively affect their education and well-being.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, having some
work
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 experience teaches teenagers about accountability.
For instance
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, in a workplace, they must follow schedules, meet deadlines, and cooperate with colleagues. These responsibilities encourage maturity in a way that regular school assignments rarely do, preparing them directly for adulthood.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, pressuring teenagers to
work
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 could damage their mental well-being, especially for
students
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 who already have a demanding academic schedule.
For example
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, schoolwork, examinations, and extracurricular activities require a significant amount of time, and excessive working hours could leave
students
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 tired or unable to concentrate on their studies.
Instead
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 of expecting young individuals to
work
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 full-time hours, institutions and businesses could introduce structured internships or part-time roles.
This
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 approach allows
students
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 to efficiently balance their employment duties with their academic responsibilities, completely eliminating the anxiety of failing to complete tasks.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, I concur that
students
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 should at least try working for a short period to comprehend how the real world functions and learn how to
organize
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organise
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 their routines for a brighter future and career.
However
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, it should remain flexible for all
students
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 so that they can decide which program suits them
while
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 still focusing on their education.

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task response
State your view even more clearly in the first part. You say you mostly agree, but explain in one short line how much work time is right for students.
task response
Develop the first main point with one more clear example. For example, explain how a short job can teach a student to speak to a manager, help a customer, or solve a small problem.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims. “Completely eliminating” anxiety is too absolute. Say that the plan can reduce stress or make it less likely instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: view, good side, possible problem, and ending. To make the link between ideas smoother, use a few more clear links such as “As a result” or “For this reason” when you explain the effect of work experience.
coherence and cohesion
The second body part has several ideas: pressure, school work, tiredness, and a better plan. Split it into shorter parts, or make the main point of the paragraph clearer at the start.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “work”, “students”, and “academic” too often. Use simple changes such as “a job”, “young people”, “school study”, and “this plan” where the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a balanced view: short work experience can help, but it must not harm school life or health.
task response
Your examples are linked well to your points. Schedules, deadlines, and team work clearly show why a job can help teenagers grow.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear purpose, and the ending returns to your main view without adding a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
The opening phrases, such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up”, help the reader follow your ideas easily.
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