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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cites and town, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to solve this situation?

#people #countryside #town #situation
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Population is a major
problem
 in modern societies.it is concerning that few
individuals
 are moving from rural
areas
 to domestic regions mostly old
individuals
.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
 essay will discuss the major
problem
 related to
this
problem
as well as
 some possible solutions. To commence with, mostly older
individuals
 are shifting from rural
areas
 to cities and towns.The first
problem
 associated with
this
 issue is the lack of facilities they are facing in the countryside,
thus
 , in rural
areas
 are very crucial to maintain life
however
 there are some major problems
Add the comma(s)
, for example,
show examples
for example
 infrastructure like roads are not well constructed and very narrow in the rural
areas
 that's why
individuals
 face
problem
 to arrive at some places on time.
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 of
this
,
individuals
 prefer to live in the cities and town
Therefore
, one possible solution to
this
problem
 is the construction of roads, the government should pay attention to the maintenance of roads. Moving towards, The second
problem
 related to
this
 concern is healthcare deficiencies
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in the rural
areas
, these facilities are available at a low scale
however
 for major illnesses,
for instance
, as cardiac arrest, people have to move to cities and towns for better treatments,
additionally
, medical services are not accessible for 24 hours.So these problems insist
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
individuals
to
Remove the particle
apply
show examples
leave the countryside.
As a result
, the government should deliver medical equipment for improved treatment.
To sum up
, in both regions,
individuals
 have to face some problems but urban
areas
 are more developed so government should focus on the rural
areas
 of the country.
Submitted by madihaali8470 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear and logical structure. Your essay should flow smoothly from one idea to the next. Consider using more transition words and ensuring each idea logically follows the previous one.
task achievement
Expand your ideas with more clarity and depth. Dive deeper into each problem and solution, providing detailed examples or explanations.
task achievement
Make sure to refine your argument structure so the essay is easy to follow. Consider outlining your thoughts before writing.
coherence cohesion
You've successfully introduced and concluded the essay, giving it a clear beginning and ending.
task achievement
You addressed both problems and solutions, which is in direct response to the task prompt.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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