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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many children today spend a lot of time on social media which hurts their grades. what is the cause of this? What can be done to solve this?

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It is considered that most of the
children
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 are attaining low marks
due to
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 excessive usage of social
media
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.
This
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 essay will discuss the major cause of
this
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 problem
as well as
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 some possible solutions. To commence with,
children
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 are gaining Low grades because of the connections with their friends and families on social
media
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 like
on
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apply
show examples
Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp
however
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 they like to share photos ,and videos with each other
while
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 they spend more than enough
time
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 on social
media
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 without knowing that it is the waste of
time
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additionally
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, they start to spend their study
time
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 to chitchat with their schoolfellows.The second important cause of
this
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 problem is the addiction to online
games
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for example
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 PUBG, the famous online game played by
the
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apply
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adults, in one research it has been shown that many adults have committed suicide
due to
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this
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 game.
This
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 is because, in online
games
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,
children
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 can talk to each
other that's
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other's
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 they focus less on
a
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their
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study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 leads to lower
their
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apply
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grades. Moving towards the solution of
this
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 problem, the first possible solution is parental control , parents should have strong control
on
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over
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their
children
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 so that they can teach them both the benefits and flaws of technology so they should create
time
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 limits for chatting with friends.
second
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the second
a second
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 solution is that the government should focus on
the
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apply
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access
of
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to
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 the internet.
hence
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 government should pay attention to who can access the websites and they should
also
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 ban specific online
games
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.
For instance
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, in one study it has been shown that in the USA,
around
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apply
show examples
about 60% of
games
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 are not accessible to school-going
children
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.
To sum up
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, social
media
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 have both advantages and disadvantages
hence
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 sometimes problems overweight the benefits so the excessive use of social
media
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 leads
children
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 to lower their grades.

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Task Achievement
Try to provide a more balanced view with additional examples of social media's impact on children, not just limiting to games or keeping in touch with friends.
Coherence and Cohesion
Add more clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to guide the reader on what the focus will be.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be consistent with your sentence structure to enhance clarity, ensuring each has a clear subject and verb to avoid potential confusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in understanding the flow of your arguments.
Task Achievement
You've provided specific examples, such as mentioning Facebook, Instagram, and popular games like PUBG, which show you've thought about concrete reasons for and solutions to the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Addictive design
  • Infinite scrolling
  • Personalized content feeds
  • Peer pressure
  • Social validation
  • Fear of missing out (FOMO)
  • Parental supervision
  • Digital literacy programs
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Awareness campaigns
  • Conscious regulation
  • Academic impact
  • Engagement
  • Social media usage
  • Online presence
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