IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
People
Use synonyms
 have different opinions about the
access
Use synonyms
 to individuals' mobile phones.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the government should monitor phone calls and
messages
Use synonyms
, I believe that everybody has the right to privacy and that information should not be available without consent. Having
access
Use synonyms
 to individuals' call
records
Use synonyms
 and
messages
Use synonyms
 is something that the governments can review to protect the public.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, different governments can listen to the call
records
Use synonyms
 or download your
messages
Use synonyms
 when the keywords activate the system because are suspicious of committing a crime.
For instance
Linking Words
, in my country, the
police
Use synonyms
 can use
this
Linking Words
 system, one day they opened an investigation against an individual who was a suspect of committing paedophilia. After a few months of thorough investigation and reviewed call
records
Use synonyms
 and
messages
Use synonyms
, the
police
Use synonyms
 could imprison
this
Linking Words
 person and stop his unlawful activity.
Although
Linking Words
 discovering criminal activities is a good reason to
access
Use synonyms
 the public's information, I believe that the right to privacy should be present and the authority must ask for permission.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are not committing crimes daily, and
that is
Linking Words
 the reason that the ministry should implement a system to detect illegitimate
people
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the ministry should ask for permission to read
people
Use synonyms
's generated data if they do not have enough exhibits of criminal activity.
For example
Linking Words
, the news talked about a
police
Use synonyms
 department that was listening to call
records
Use synonyms
 of someone who was acting suspiciously in the town.
However
Linking Words
, they realized when all the
police
Use synonyms
 department appeared in his house that the person in question, was preparing a surprise party for his wife.
To conclude
Linking Words
, even though the government wants to
access
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
's information for safety reasons, I believe that they should ask for permission or have enough criminal exhibits to review individuals' data generated.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that every argument you present is clearly backed up with relevant details or examples. While your current examples are relevant, further clarification or additional cases could enhance the strength of your arguments.
task achievement
Work on the precision of your language to avoid any potential misunderstandings or inaccuracies. This will ensure that your argument is portrayed as professionally and effectively as possible.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more varied transitional phrases to enhance the coherence of your essay. While the current transitions are effective, incorporating a greater variety can further improve the logical flow between points.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, showcasing a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument, guiding the reader well through your essay.
task achievement
You have effectively used relevant examples to illustrate your points, which enriches the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The main points are logically structured and are easy to follow, which contributes positively to the coherence of your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Surveillance
  • Civil liberties
  • Oversight
  • Intrusion
  • National security
  • Counterterrorism
  • Wiretapping
  • Data encryption
  • Privacy rights
  • Authorized access
  • Judicial oversight
  • Illegal monitoring
  • Telecommunication data
  • Personal communications
  • Unwarranted intrusion
  • Transparency
  • Accountability
  • Civilian oversight
What to do next:
Look at other essays: