IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

WRITING TASK 2 You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words

#minutes #people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
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People
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 have different opinions about the
access
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 to individuals' mobile phones.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that the government should monitor phone calls and
messages
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, I believe that everybody has the right to privacy and that information should not be available without consent. Having
access
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 to individuals' call
records
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 and
messages
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 is something that the governments can review to protect the public.
Furthermore
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, different governments can listen to the call
records
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 or download your
messages
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 when the keywords activate the system because are suspicious of committing a crime.
For instance
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, in my country, the
police
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 can use
this
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 system, one day they opened an investigation against an individual who was a suspect of committing paedophilia. After a few months of thorough investigation and reviewed call
records
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 and
messages
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, the
police
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 could imprison
this
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 person and stop his unlawful activity.
Although
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 discovering criminal activities is a good reason to
access
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 the public's information, I believe that the right to privacy should be present and the authority must ask for permission.
In addition
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,
people
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 are not committing crimes daily, and
that is
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 the reason that the ministry should implement a system to detect illegitimate
people
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.
Nevertheless
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, the ministry should ask for permission to read
people
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's generated data if they do not have enough exhibits of criminal activity.
For example
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, the news talked about a
police
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 department that was listening to call
records
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 of someone who was acting suspiciously in the town.
However
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, they realized when all the
police
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 department appeared in his house that the person in question, was preparing a surprise party for his wife.
To conclude
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, even though the government wants to
access
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people
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's information for safety reasons, I believe that they should ask for permission or have enough criminal exhibits to review individuals' data generated.
Submitted by jessica.pastor.87 on

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task achievement
Ensure that every argument you present is clearly backed up with relevant details or examples. While your current examples are relevant, further clarification or additional cases could enhance the strength of your arguments.
task achievement
Work on the precision of your language to avoid any potential misunderstandings or inaccuracies. This will ensure that your argument is portrayed as professionally and effectively as possible.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more varied transitional phrases to enhance the coherence of your essay. While the current transitions are effective, incorporating a greater variety can further improve the logical flow between points.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, showcasing a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument, guiding the reader well through your essay.
task achievement
You have effectively used relevant examples to illustrate your points, which enriches the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The main points are logically structured and are easy to follow, which contributes positively to the coherence of your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Surveillance
  • Civil liberties
  • Oversight
  • Intrusion
  • National security
  • Counterterrorism
  • Wiretapping
  • Data encryption
  • Privacy rights
  • Authorized access
  • Judicial oversight
  • Illegal monitoring
  • Telecommunication data
  • Personal communications
  • Unwarranted intrusion
  • Transparency
  • Accountability
  • Civilian oversight
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