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Band 6

Humans in more countries spend more and more time far away from their families. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

#humans #countries #time #families
Humans in more countries spend more and more time far away from their families. Personally, I believe that more people may leave to find money for another country.
However
,
this
 event can affect negatively their children. On the one hand, nowadays, there are an increasing number of people who are leaving for labour and the doors of good opportunities.
That is
, some humans can not be with together their family members.The main reason is
this
.
For example
, I can tell you about my brother.
This
 person left for labour to the US government and he has still lived for three years.
However
, we can not be together my brother.
On the other hand
, there are some events which may penalize their offspring . Perhaps, modern education is very essential for kids and they should learn modern education.
Besides
 that, behaviour is very necessary for their offspring . These factors should be in all generations .
That is
 why, parents should be with together in their children .
For instance
, I am going to tell you about my classmate friend. Currently ,
this
 person is a grown-up person. My friend left for work in Italy two years ago and he has still worked here.
This
 event is affecting very bad their family members. In conclusion, individuals in more countries spend more time away from their families . People are leaving for work these days.
However
, In my opinion , they should be with together their family members . It is essential for children
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on

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coherence cohesion
Work on creating clear and well-organized paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and supporting sentences that are relevant to the topic.
task achievement
Your introduction and conclusion need to be clearer and fully address the question prompt, stating the advantages and disadvantages of living away from families.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Use cohesive devices to make the relationships between ideas clear.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to explain how they are relevant to the advantages and disadvantages discussed, and try to provide a more balanced view for a higher score in Task Achievement.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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