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Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Somepeople say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#countries #people #somepeople #population #governments #society
in some societies,
Due to
 many vital
reasons
Add a comma
reasons,
show examples
people
 are living longer than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past, some
people
 believe that
ageing
Correct article usage
the ageing
show examples
population
 might create issues.
However
, others
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
there are benefits if countries have old
generation
people
. from my point of view living in an ageing
population
 can
caused
Change the verb form
cause
be caused
show examples
much problem
Change the quantifier
many problems
show examples
 in comparison with
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more elder
people
. on the one hand, every
country
 needs to have manpower which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be crucial. if the most portion of society is included by
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
 generations, it will bring the whole society
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a dangerous situation.
For instance
, factories can be bankrupted, and the
country
 can
fell
Wrong verb form
fall
show examples
 into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inflation.
Furthermore
, having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
plenty
old
Change preposition
of old
show examples
people
 can
forced
Change the verb form
force
show examples
 the government to
provide
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 a considerable cost to develop
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 effective healthcare system,
modern
Correct word choice
and modern
show examples
 medical equipment, and
also
 train
experts
Change the noun form
expert
show examples
 specialists.
Moreover
, if the
country
tangle
Change the verb form
tangles
show examples
 with another society, because of not having an adequate number of armies, it can bring the
country
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a disagreeable situation.
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
 a consequence, if
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
generation
population
 outweigh in compare with young
generation
, it can bring the whole
country
 into
the
Correct article usage
the the
show examples
 bizarre crisis.
on the other hand
, some
people
 have faith
in
Change preposition
that
show examples
 any
country
 needs elder
people
 for two main reasons.
First
Add a comma
First,
show examples
 elder
people
 have more experience and can participate in many vacancies which exist in many countries.
For example
, politicians must be
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experienced and educated
people
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 older
people
 can assist the
country
 in
this
 way.
Secondly
,
this
 attendance can evoke
condolence
Correct article usage
a condolence
show examples
 feeling in
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
generation
. ultimately,
people
 can utilize
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
having
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
generation
 in their
country
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many crucial ways. to sum it up, Due
preventing
Wrong verb form
prevent
show examples
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
generation
to lose
Change preposition
from losing
show examples
 their passion and enthusiasm, and
preventing
Wrong verb form
prevent
show examples
 problems
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 happen during the war or
providing
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 costs for
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system, it is so critical to have
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
generation
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
control the ageing
population
.
Submitted by mr.sadeghnezhadengineer on

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introduction conclusion
Your essay provides a relevant introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively. However, it would benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to outline your main argument more definitively.
logical structure
While your essay has a basic structure, developing smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs will aid in improving coherence. Using linking words like 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'consequently' more effectively can enhance clarity.
relevant specific examples
Strengthen your arguments with more specific and detailed examples to support your points. For example, mention specific countries or historical data as evidence for the claims you make.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
introduction conclusion
The conclusion successfully summarizes your opinion, reinforcing your viewpoint.
clear comprehensive ideas
Despite some inaccuracies, the main points are generally clear and understandable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Life expectancy
  • Demographic shift
  • Healthcare infrastructure
  • Pension funds
  • Intergenerational solidarity
  • Consumer demographics
  • Workforce participation
  • Cultural heritage
  • Urban planning
  • Assisted living facilities
  • Socio-economic challenges
  • Sustainable development
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