IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the United Kingdom, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family

#kingdom #someone #home #people #nurses #government #care
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In the UK when someone gets old often
go
Correct subject-verb agreement
goes
show examples
 to live in a home with other old
people
Use synonyms
 where
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there are nurses to look after them,sometimes the
government
Use synonyms
 has to pay for
this
Linking Words
care
Use synonyms
 Who do you think should pay for
this
Linking Words
care
Use synonyms
, the
government
Use synonyms
 or the family It is argued that, when British
people
Use synonyms
 become older
government
Use synonyms
 needs to pay or
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 should
care
Use synonyms
 about them.
This
Linking Words
 essay would argue that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 all these duties are the responsibility of their families,because they brought up them,and
people
Use synonyms
 live with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
,it helps a
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 economy
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because the
government
Use synonyms
can’t
Use synonyms
 take
care
Use synonyms
 of everybody. When older
people
Use synonyms
 live with their children,they don’t need to live in the shelter house for elder
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can be like older
people
Use synonyms
 all life took
care
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their kids,gave them all,what they had brought up them.The children have to feel like that,taking a load
of
Change preposition
off
show examples
 their parents in their
last
Linking Words
 maturity of life is their moral duty.No one
can’t
Use synonyms
 allow
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
their parents
live
Fix the infinitive
to live
show examples
 in an old age home.
For instance
Linking Words
,there countries like India and South Korea ,their citizens need to live in a joint family in
this
Linking Words
 modern society.
As well as
Linking Words
 that a country’s economy will grow
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
if more
people
Use synonyms
 are living with their families.
This
Linking Words
 is because these
people
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
can’t
Verb problem
don’t
show examples
 able to pay taxes to the
Use synonyms
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 anymore.
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
can’t
Use synonyms
 look after all of them.
This
Linking Words
 will be damage to the
government
Use synonyms
’s budget.
But
Correct word choice
However
show examples
,
Use synonyms
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 can support
Correct pronoun usage
them with
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 paying some extra pays for their food or other medicine needs.
For example
Linking Words
:
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
authority
Use synonyms
 like
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 gives some extra
pays
Fix the agreement mistake
pay
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 older
people
Use synonyms
 to support them
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 needs. In conclusion,looking after
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
 is the
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 of their families,and
government
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 need to give them supporting extra
pays
Fix the agreement mistake
pay
show examples
,they
paid
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
 some taxes to
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the authority
show examples
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 in their working life.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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task achievement
Make sure to fully develop your ideas with well-structured supporting details. This means providing clear reasons or evidence for each point you make. For example, when arguing about the family’s role in caring for the elderly, include examples or data to illustrate this point more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your essay more clearly. It seems that some points are repeated, while others are not fully explained, leading to confusion. Structuring paragraphs that each have a clear topic sentence can help organize your ideas better.
coherence cohesion
Consider improving the conclusion by summarizing the key points made in the essay. This helps reinforce your arguments and leaves a strong final impression.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the question prompt by discussing both the family and government’s roles responsibility in elder care.
relevant specific examples
There is a clear understanding of cultural practices, like in India and South Korea, which enriches the content and demonstrates wider knowledge.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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