IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

topics: The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Governments should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

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There is no denying the fact that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 has several investments and projects that could improve our country.
While
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 It is a commonly held belief that some
people
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 think expenditure in arts, music and theatre is a waste of cost and time, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that it is a beneficial factor for our society.
To begin
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 with, plenty of
people
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 are desired by their hobbies and they don't have a lot of money to spend on their hobbies.
In other words
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, recently, enormous artists and singers have become a significant part of the economic movement,
however
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, the
government
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 has good planning and a sufficient budget for these kinds of events.
In addition
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, it is a waste of money on one condition ,like they do not have a fan or audience for their shows.
For example
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, if the
government
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 has more concentration on their work ,we will be able to see these talents
as well as
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 we can embrace huge events. Another point to consider, governments definitely control public services. It is
also
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 possible to say that, developing and advancing regions are competent of how to boost entertainment and at the same time funding other sectors ,like education and transport.
Moreover
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, expanding the region contributed to economic growth in both areas.
For instance
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, America has a significant economic development ,
as well as
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 they focus on talented young
people
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 ,like being a celebrity or an actor tan their field. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that the
government
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 should use all their efforts to improve all aspects of society and the arts, music and theatre have a considerable influence on the youngest generation.

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Task Response
Your essay provides a clear stance in favor of government investment in arts, music, and theatre, but ensure each paragraph maintains focus and directly supports your main argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on expanding and clearly linking ideas within each paragraph to enhance the flow of your arguments and provide a more comprehensive discussion.
Task Response
Include more specific examples or evidence to further strengthen the claims, making your argument more persuasive and robust.
Coherence and Cohesion
Pay attention to small grammatical and syntactical errors to improve clarity and professionalism in your writing.
Task Response
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay topic and presents a clear opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay contains a well-structured introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
Task Response
You have mentioned some reasons why government funding in the arts is beneficial, contributing to an engaging argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Transitions between paragraphs are generally smooth, which helps maintain the flow of your essay.
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