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Band 5.5

Some people think that detailed criminal description on newspapers and TV programs has bad consequence, so this kind of information should be restricted on media. To what extent do you agree?

#people #description #newspapers #tv #programs #consequence #information #media
Many
people
 believe that sharing too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 details of a crime to the public on newspaper and TV might lead to negative outcomes,
therefore
,
this
 kind of information should be restricted. In my view, I strongly agree that
this
 type of information must be controlled and not available to everyone. When putting specific details of a criminal description out to the media bad consequences might occur, because others with bad intentions may use
this
 information and repeat the crime.
For example
, one time a criminal in
japan
Capitalize word
Japan
show examples
 tried to kill someone,
although
 he
faild
Correct your spelling
failed
 the attempt to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
murder was so smart that it aired on live television with every little detail included.
In addition
, years later a man was murdered in the US,
moreover
, after a lot of investigation the police figured that the killer followed the same steps of the attempt
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 happened in Japan.
On the other hand
, it is useful for
people
 to know these detailed stories in order to be careful and warn others.
For instance
, one time some guy took advantage of underage girls online by attracting them to do things for him and by taking sexual pictures of themselves. Later
on
Add a comma
on,
show examples
 he
go
Correct your spelling
got
show examples
 arrested and the tactics that he used on these girls got exposed.
Consequently
, many
people
 learned from
this
 story to not trust anyone online,
furthermore
, now lectures about
this
 are held in schools in order to avoid being in these situations and keep everybody safe. In conclusion,
Although
 sharing criminal descriptions
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the media is helpful to protect ourselves, many bad
people
 will take advantage of it and use it for horrible things.
Submitted by shadaataria1 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical transition between sentences and paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Include a bit more elaboration on the counter-argument to ensure a well-rounded discussion.
task achievement
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary to clearly express complex ideas.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the main argument and viewpoint.
task achievement
You have effectively used relevant and specific examples to support your main points.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the argument and reinforces your viewpoint, giving a clear ending to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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