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Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people believe that alone children to make their own choices on everyday matters such as food clothes and entertainment is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes .other people believe that it is important for children to make decision about matters that are affect them.

#people #children #choices #matters #food #clothes #entertainment #society #individuals #decision
Nowadays, an increasing number of
people
 think when
children
 make their own
choices
, they will achieve confidence and be independent in the future and many other advantages.
While
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
 believe if
children
 are
giventhe
Correct your spelling
given the
 choice of everyday matters, it will result in a selfish generation. I personally think given kids the choice for their daily matters it's so important to build their character but it should done wisely with some limitations and rules. On the one hand, giving
children
 the freedom to choose their clothes, food, and entertainment, would lead to self-esteem
generations
Change preposition
in generations
show examples
, that know exactly what they want and what should they do. Even though
that is
 true, it should done wisely.
For example
,
instead
 of putting the child in the kitchen and
told
Wrong verb form
telling
show examples
 him to prepare his meal, the parent can offer two or three meals and make him choose between them. That will definitely make him analyze his options and make logical
choices
, and that could only done under the guidance of their parent.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe that these practices could spoil young
people
 and lead to disobedience. They believe that
children
 don't have enough awareness to make their own
choices
 and that not only would use a selfish and rebellious kid
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 may put them in unhealthy
routine
Fix the agreement mistake
routines
show examples
 and practices. Which could affect both physical and mental health.
For example
,
according to
 the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
leading health organization, obesity problems are very common among young
people
, who make their own
choices
 without the guidance of their parents.
To conclude
,
although
 giving
children
 the power to choose is a very powerful way to build their personality and develop their skills, it
also
 could lead to dire consequences if not implemented in a proper way. So, making plans and
educateing
Correct your spelling
educating
educate
 young
people
 on how to choose logically is the best way to ensure safety.
Furthermore
, putting punishment and rules is
also
 a good approach to keep them within limits.
Submitted by adianalmozan on

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task achievement
Try to maintain consistency in your argumentation. While you present both sides of the argument, your position can be made clearer to strengthen your task response. More detailed examples with specific data or studies might help in supporting your points.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make sure that all parts of your essay are logically linked. Use connectors and transitions between sentences and paragraphs for better flow.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction sets the stage nicely, presenting both sides of the argument clearly.
task achievement
You provide a balanced perspective by discussing both potential benefits and drawbacks of allowing children to make their own choices.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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