IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that young people should choose the jobs that they want, but other people think they should be more realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #jobs #future
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
One of the most discussed issues nowadays some
people
 think that young adults should choose the workplace that they want.
On the other hand
, they should be more commonsensical and think more about their future. In
this
 essay, I will explore both perspectives before giving my personal statement. First and foremost, a bunch of young
people
selecting
Wrong verb form
select
show examples
 their future profession not only because it is their decision,but
also
 because they do not want to be employees in boring work. Because, if they were realistic and employed in another occupation ,they would hate time spent in
this
 place. The prime example of
this
 is my friend Askar. His major is doctor,but he does not like everything connected with medicine. When he was 16 years old, his parents gave given advice to become a doctor and help
people
,
although
 he didn't want it.
However
, today, he wants to change his major and become an engineer.
Moreover
, the young generation has a bunch of dreams and most of them are compounded with future jobs.
In other words
, most children want to be like astronauts or actors and actresses.
However
, they can not think normally and choose the right profession.
For instance
, the world's most preferred occupation among children is astronaut. It has a lot of problems to become like them
such
 as body problems and selection from millions of
people
 Having weighed everything mentioned up,from my perspective,I believe that young children should pick what they want because it is better to have unrealistic vacancies like astronauts than working in not preferred
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
whole life
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay addresses the topic and provides a clear discussion of both views. However, you could strengthen your task response by expanding on the arguments for each side and providing additional evidence or reasoning to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally logical, and you have included an introduction and conclusion. To improve coherence and cohesion, you might consider using more transitional phrases to connect your ideas and ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
task response
Ensure that your examples accurately support the main points you are making, and consider tailoring them to provide more depth to your arguments. This could help convey the complexity of the issue more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction which outlines both sides of the argument, leading smoothly into your main points.
task response
You have provided personal examples, which can make your arguments more relatable and engaging.
coherence cohesion
Your writing demonstrates a good command of English with varied sentence structures, which contributes to clarity and engagement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • job satisfaction
  • skill development
  • market demands
  • financial stability
  • career growth
  • job security
  • income level
  • fulfilling professional life
  • personal happiness
  • career counseling
  • job market trends
  • adaptability
  • work-life balance
  • health implications
  • job automation
  • redundancy
  • emerging technologies
  • stable employment
  • motivated
  • competent
What to do next:
Look at other essays: