IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting culture. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #culture #tourism #revenue
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There is no denying the fact that there are many
people
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 who see that the
culture
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 will be ruined because of
tourism
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 but there are
people
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 who think the opposite.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that some
people
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 see that their
culture
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 will be ruined by
tourism
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, there is
also
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 an argument that there are
people
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 who believe that
tourism
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 will be beneficial for their
culture
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, some folks think that
tourism
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 will ruin their
culture
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 for many reasons.
In other words
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, they do not want to see other
people
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 from different countries
visit
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 their historical places.
In addition
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, they see it as a chance to destroy their
culture
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 because if many
people
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 from different countries come to enjoy their time there, the historical places will be meaningless to
visit
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 because they do not pay attention and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
just
visit
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it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 for fun.
For example
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, in Saudi Arabia many
people
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 from different countries
visit
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 our historical mountains just for fun, in the end, it is meaningless to
visit
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this
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 place anymore because in the past I used to learn but now I do not.
On the other hand
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, there are some
people
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 who believe that
tourism
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 will benefit them to protect their
culture
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. It is
also
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 possible to say that if
tourism
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 pays them to
visit
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 historical places they will use the money to protect the
culture
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 so it is useful. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that it is important to let
tourism
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visit
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 your country and see your
culture
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 because it is a good way to protect the
culture
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.
Submitted by bcynfn159 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides an opinion, but the development of ideas can be more comprehensive. Try to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each viewpoint, making sure to delve deeper into the reasoning behind why some people believe culture is ruined by tourism, while others see it as protective.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, the paragraphs could have better transitions between ideas. Work on enhancing the flow of the essay by using transitional phrases to link paragraphs and ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, each paragraph should have a clear main idea supported by coherent arguments and examples. The essay could benefit from having more specific and detailed examples to substantiate the main points, especially in discussing how tourism might protect culture rather than merely stating it does so with funding.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively includes an introduction and conclusion, which guide the reader through the main arguments presented.
task achievement
The essay follows the task by addressing both perspectives on the issue before offering a personal opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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