These days we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having a negative impact on children's beahaviour.do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that we are watching an increasing amount of violence on TV, and
this
trend is negatively impacting the behaviours of
children
. I personally agree with
this
statement because
children
follow their elders, and if they watch
these
Correct determiner usage
this
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age-inappropiate
Correct your spelling
age-inappropriate
age-appropriate
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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, they want to copy them.
This
trend
also
affects their studies.
Children
follow their elders and they watch violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
with their elders. These
contents
are not
appropiate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
for their age.
Moreover
,
children
do not have the ability to differentiate
right
Change preposition
between right
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and wrong.
Therefore
, they become
mislead
Wrong verb form
misled
show examples
by these
contents
.
Children
blindly want to copy those violent behaviours which might lead to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
danger.
For example
, in the USA, in 2020, one
13 years old
Correct your spelling
13-year-old
boy watched
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent content on TV and tried to apply it in his real life. He
took
Verb problem
made
show examples
an attempt to kill his younger brother with a knife.
Moreover
,
children
cannot properly concentrate on their studies if they watch violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
. It distracts their minds
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and affects their performances.
As a result
,
children
cannot concentrate on class lectures, and it affects their exam performances. Watching violent behaviours on TV restricts the cognitive abilities of
children
.
For example
, in India, students who watch violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
on television, cannot perform well in exams. In conclusion, watching violence on television affects the exam performances of
children
.
Children
also
want to mimic the content which might be more dangerous.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Task Response
The essay successfully addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position on the impact of violence on children's behavior. Ensure the position is consistently and thoroughly developed throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure, aim to improve the logical sequence of points and ensure smooth transitions. This will enhance flow and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use linking words more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This can make the essay more cohesive.
Introduction and Conclusion
The introduction provides a clear statement of the writer's position, directly addressing the task.
Task Achievement
The writer includes specific examples to support their points, which strengthens the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph clearly focuses on a single aspect of the argument, contributing to logical structure and clarity.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitizes
  • imitate
  • aggressive behaviors
  • fear and anxiety
  • overall mental health
  • social skills
  • increased aggression
  • healthy relationships
  • academic performance
  • increased stress
  • distraction
  • negative influence
  • exposure to violence
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