These days we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having a negative impact on children's beahaviour.do you agree or disagree?
Some people believe that we are watching an increasing amount of violence on TV, and
this
trend is negatively impacting the behaviours of children
. I personally agree with this
statement because children
follow their elders, and if they watch these
Correct determiner usage
this
age-inappropiate
Correct your spelling
age-inappropriate
age-appropriate
contents
, they want to copy them. Fix the agreement mistake
content
This
trend also
affects their studies.
Children
follow their elders and they watch violent contents
with their elders. These Fix the agreement mistake
content
contents
are not appropiate
for their age. Correct your spelling
appropriate
Moreover
, children
do not have the ability to differentiate right
and wrong. Change preposition
between right
Therefore
, they become mislead
by these Wrong verb form
misled
contents
. Children
blindly want to copy those violent behaviours which might lead to a
danger. Remove the article
apply
For example
, in the USA, in 2020, one 13 years old
boy watched Correct your spelling
13-year-old
a
violent content on TV and tried to apply it in his real life. He Correct article usage
apply
took
an attempt to kill his younger brother with a knife.
Verb problem
made
Moreover
, children
cannot properly concentrate on their studies if they watch violent contents
. It distracts their mindsFix the agreement mistake
content
,
and affects their performances. Remove the comma
apply
As a result
, children
cannot concentrate on class lectures, and it affects their exam performances. Watching violent behaviours on TV restricts the cognitive abilities of children
. For example
, in India, students who watch violent contents
on television, cannot perform well in exams.
In conclusion, watching violence on television affects the exam performances of Fix the agreement mistake
content
children
. Children
also
want to mimic the content which might be more dangerous.Submitted by rahman_rehana on
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Task Response
The essay successfully addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position on the impact of violence on children's behavior. Ensure the position is consistently and thoroughly developed throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure, aim to improve the logical sequence of points and ensure smooth transitions. This will enhance flow and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use linking words more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This can make the essay more cohesive.
Introduction and Conclusion
The introduction provides a clear statement of the writer's position, directly addressing the task.
Task Achievement
The writer includes specific examples to support their points, which strengthens the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph clearly focuses on a single aspect of the argument, contributing to logical structure and clarity.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite