IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is argued that tariffs on junk sustenances should be levied because the health risks associated with consuming
this
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 kind of product are rising.
This
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 essay agrees that a higher rate of money should be paid by people.
Firstly
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, some companies already increased the prices of their sugar-containing products;
secondly
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, a higher price could lower consumption.
To begin
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 with, if almost all companies paid taxes to the government for selling sugared products, the government would have a chance to invest in many significant occasions.
Therefore
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, they would be capable of ensuring tuition organised by clubs where doctors can explain how sugar destroys our organisms and help people who suffer from diseases caused by consuming oversweet meals. Obviously, it might be a reliable approach to prevent obesity and diabetes.
For instance
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, New Zealand's government always carry out lessons with teenagers in schools using collected taxes from companies in the territory of
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 country
whereas
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 in Germany the percentage of humans suffering from obesity has already decreased by 20% as most of them had problems with money.
Moreover
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, raising prices would lower consumption humans would not like to buy sickly drinks and nutrients that are expensive because
instead
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 of
this
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 they can buy something healthy or have proper meals in restaurants. Addiction to sugar might be prevented in
this
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 way, as sweet refreshments would soon become a luxury item, and it would only be consumed occasionally, which would be less harmful to the general public’s health.
For instance
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, the cost of organic food has proven prohibitively expensive for most individuals, and
that is
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 why only a small percentage of the population buys it regularly. In conclusion, oversweet products should be taxed at a higher rate because of the good precedent set by oversweet nutriments and the fact that the increased cost should reduce the number of sugared cookings people buy.

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coherence cohesion
Although your introduction and conclusion are effective in presenting your stance, the introduction could be made slightly clearer by restating the topic more directly. Consider rephrasing it slightly for better clarity.
task achievement
While your essay is well-organized and effectively covers the main points, ensure that every point is directly related to the argument. For example, some examples could be more directly linked to the argument on reducing sugar consumption.
task achievement
Consider providing more examples or details to support your claims—especially relating to governmental measures' effectiveness or people's purchasing behavior. This will enhance your argument's persuasiveness and relevance.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure with distinct paragraphs for each main point.
task achievement
You have effectively presented a balanced argument on the effects of increasing sugar product prices, using examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Your concluding paragraph effectively summarizes your position and reinforces the arguments presented.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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