IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children nowadays take sports seriously while others play sports in their free time. Is it a postive or negative development? Give your own opinion and examples

With a growing emphasis on athleticism and longevity, it has become increasingly common for
children
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 to engage in
sports
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activities
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 for professional or recreational purposes, particularly in developed regions with easily accessible
sports
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 facilities.
While
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this
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 shift poses substantial
time
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management
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 difficulties, I believe that it does more good than harm when viewed through the lenses of physical and mental well-being. Critics of
sports
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 participation cite various reasons to support their stance. When
children
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 invest a lot of
time
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 in
sports
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activities
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, they may find it difficult to juggle multiple responsibilities
such
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 as school assignments, collaborative projects, and extracurricular
activities
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, which can hinder their ability to meet deadlines and excel in standardized exams. As the workload of
children
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 increases, so does their difficulty managing
time
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, adversely affecting their learning efficiency, morale, and
overall
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 academic performance. In a world where teenagers already struggle with immense parental pressure, constant social comparison, and fierce peer competition, consistent engagement in
sports
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 might exacerbate their challenges related to
time
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management
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 and productivity. Despite these worries, in my view, the increasing popularity of
sports
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 represents a positive development. Committed to
sports
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 pursuits, whether for competitive or leisure purposes,
children
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 can not only strengthen their muscles and boost their immune systems as is widely known, but
also
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 maintain a healthy weight and improve their physical fitness.
This
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 heightened level of physical activity is instrumental in lowering the risk of chronic health conditions like obesity and diabetes, thereby promoting longevity and enhancing
overall
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 quality of life. At a
time
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 when sedentary lifestyles reign supreme
due to
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 technological advancements and busy schedules, active participation in
sports
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 can make a big difference when it comes to healthy living and effective weight
management
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.
In addition
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 to supporting physical growth, involvement in
sports
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 offers significant psychological benefits. Through regular exercises and training sessions, professional athletes and
sports
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 enthusiasts gain the opportunity to step out of their comfort zones and stretch their limits, leading to a deeper sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.
Such
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 experiences bolster their self-confidence and self-esteem, equipping them with the resilience needed to navigate life's challenges effectively.
This
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 feature is particularly valuable for younger generations with a lack of emotional regulation and mental fortitude, as
sports
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 serve as a tool for them to manage their impulses and build their self-image. In conclusion,
although
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 the growing appeal of
sports
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 raises serious concerns regarding
time
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management
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, I contend that its advantages associated with physical and mental health deserve greater attention. Only through active engagement in
sports
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activities
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 can
children
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 make strides in terms of preventing diseases and developing their self-perception.

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coherence cohesion
While the essay is well-structured and provides a thorough argument, consider making the thesis statement in your introduction even more explicit. It will help guide the reader more clearly through your line of reasoning.
task achievement
To strengthen your argument even further, you could add specific real-world examples or statistics to back up some of your points. This additional support would enhance your essay.
task achievement
The essay clearly outlines the positive and negative aspects of children engaging in sports, providing a balanced perspective before supporting one side.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical and coherent progression of ideas from introduction to conclusion, making the essay easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The use of linking words and phrases effectively guides the reader through the argument, reflecting good cohesion skills.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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