IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that if an individual behaves in an anti-social manner, such as committing a crime, then society is to blame. What are the causes of anti-social behavior? Who do you think is responsible?*

#people #manner #crime #society #behavior
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It
is often argue
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is often argued
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 that
,
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apply
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 few people think that society is responsible for
anti social
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anti-social
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 behaviour of
individuals
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. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will discuss the causes of
this
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problem
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 like environmental, home, and psychological causes and possible solutions
of
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to
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this
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problem
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. Start with the causes of
anti social
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anti-social
show examples
behaviours
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 it
is mostly think
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is mostly thought
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 that
society
Correct article usage
the society
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where we live
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, where we live,
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 is the main cause of these
behaviuors
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behaviours
 because
of
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apply
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, there are many factors in our
surrounding
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surroundings
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 which
contributes
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contribute
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 to
anti social
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anti-social
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behaviours
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 like our
parents
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, teachers,
peers
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and peers
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beside
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besides
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this
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, the main cause is our home environment where we spend a lot of time
while
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 the other factors like psychological, genetic may
also
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 have
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an affect
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affect
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effect
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 on
individuals
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for example
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, it can be seen that if
parents
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 have any mental illness
then
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 there are 80% chances that it will transfer to their
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childrens
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children
children's
however
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 parent affects more on
upbringing
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the upbringing
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 of their
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childrens
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children
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 so
this
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 affects on
anti social
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anti-social
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behaviours
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 of
individuals
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. Moving toward the solution of
anti social
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anti-social
show examples
behaviours
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firstly
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, it is
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parents
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parents'
parent's
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 duty to keep an eye on each activity their
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childrens
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children
show examples
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, on the other hand,
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on the other hand
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 they should
also
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 know that either they are involved in any bad habit or not.so
parents
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 should have strong attachment with their
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childrens
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children
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 so they can share each and everything with them.
secondly
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, medication is the solution for psychological problems
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because
beacuse
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because
 something
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individuals
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individual
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individuals
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commit
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commits
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 a crime because of psychological illness.
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for Instance
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For instance
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, in one famous study it
can be
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was
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 shown that in
USA
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the USA
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 85% of adults have
psychological
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a psychological
show examples
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problems
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problem
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problems
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due to
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 which they commit a crime
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apply
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at
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apply
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younger
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a younger
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 age .
To sum up
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, most
individuals
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 commit a crime
due to
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bad
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a bad
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 home environment and psychological
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problem
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problems
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hence
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 the best solution
of
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to
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this
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problem
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 is medication and
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parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 duty to keep an eye on
individuals
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by madihaali8470 on

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task achievement
Clarify the essay's purpose in the introduction. Although it's a good start, avoid using phrases like 'In this essay I will discuss.' Instead, directly state your view and briefly outline the main points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph.
task achievement
Improve sentence structure and grammar to avoid errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreements and tense consistency.
task achievement
The essay effectively identifies multiple causes of anti-social behavior, including environmental, home, and psychological factors.
coherence and cohesion
There is a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which provides a clear structure to the essay.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided, particularly in relation to psychological illness and its link to anti-social behavior.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Anti-social behavior: Actions that harm or lack consideration for the well-being of others.
  • Norm: A standard or pattern, especially of social behavior, that is typical.
  • Unstable family environment: A family situation that lacks consistency and safety.
  • Socioeconomic factors: Aspects related to economic activity and social position, such as income, education, and employment.
  • Peer pressure: The influence from members of one's peer group to behave in a manner similar or acceptable to them.
  • Desensitize: Make someone less likely to feel shock or distress at scenes of cruelty, violence, or suffering by overexposure to such images.
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