IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this topic. Write about the following topic In many countries, paying for the things using mobile phone (cellphone) apps is becoming increasing common. Does this development have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples

#minutes #topic #countries #phone #cellphone #apps #development #reason
Mobile transactions in advanced
of
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apply
show examples
technology in many countries
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a contentious issue debate,
whereas
 with
an
Correct article usage
apply
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increasing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
transaction
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transactions
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 using
phone
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phones
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more
Add a missing verb
are more
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commonly
Change the word
common
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. I
totaly
Correct your spelling
totally
 agree that mobile
transaction
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transactions
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is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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give more advantages
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
than disadvantages
this
 essay will examine all possible
the
Correct article usage
apply
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advantages and disadvantages.
To begin
 with, it's undeniable that advanced
of
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apply
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technology has
contribute
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contributed
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in
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to
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 every
segments
Change to a singular noun
segment
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 of our
live
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lives
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, even nowadays
phone
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phones
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 have become a primer need. It's
obviously
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obvious
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 that invention brings both benefits and drawbacks. The advantages of paying
things
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for things
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 with
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
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phone
 are security of data could be fraud, vulnerable to hackers and malware attacks.
However
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However,
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 with a high and tight security environment, these issues are not easily addressed.
Transaction
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Transactions
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 using
Add an article
the phone
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phone
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phones
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now
Add a missing verb
are now
show examples
commonly
Change the word
common
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 in some countries,
some
Correct word choice
and some
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 countries
has
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have
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 applied
phone
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phones
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 as
a
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apply
show examples
transaction
tool
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tools
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.
For example
, with
versatility
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the versatility
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 of
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
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, can
bring
Wrong verb form
be brought
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 anywhere and can
use
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be used
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in
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apply
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everywhere as long as there
a
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is a
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line of internet.
Then
 with
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 payment apps, consumers don't need to use wallets or cash, just bring their
phone
.
To conclude
,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 there are some drawbacks
of
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to
show examples
 having
payment
Correct article usage
a payment
show examples
 app
in
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on
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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,
such
 as
vulnerability
Add an article
the vulnerability
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 of
data
Correct article usage
the data
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 of user,
however
 it brings more benefits
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
our
Change the word
a
show examples
 daily basis and it super useful for our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by masry.pakpahan on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas are developed clearly and are easy to follow. Linking of ideas can be improved for better coherence.
task achievement
While you have generally addressed the task, including more specific examples can strengthen your position.
language use
Work on upgrading grammatical accuracy and vocabulary range to better express nuanced ideas.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion are present, which frames your essay well and provides a strong basis for the arguments.
task achievement
The essay touches on relevant points such as security concerns and convenience, key aspects of the mobile payment discussion.
balanced argument
The essay covers both advantages and disadvantages, showcasing an understanding of both sides of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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