IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is expected that in the future old people are going to outnumber young people in many countries. Do you feel this is a positive or negative development?

#future #people #countries #development
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In many parts of the world, the ratio of older
people
 to younger
people
 is swelling.
This
 trend,
while
 it may have a few benefits, is felt to be more negative than positive in nature.
This
 will be shown by examining how a large elderly populace strains a society’s public health resources and discourages younger members from having children. For one, the aged require extra attention from a country’s public health services, which can put significant pressure on the economy.
For example
, ageing Canadians increasingly depend on free public health care funded by taxpayers. As the number of elderly Canadians grows, financing their medical needs is expected to create immense stress on the Canadian economy.
Thus
,
it is clear that
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 rising number of older
people
 in society is a negative phenomenon.
In addition
 to
this
, younger
people
 are often deterred from having children when faced with the burden of caring for elderly family members. In Japan,
for instance
, fertility rates stagnated during the twentieth century partly
due to
 the responsibilities many families had in looking after older relatives.
This
 illustrates the link between larger numbers of elderly
people
 and reduced
birthrates
Correct your spelling
birth rates
show examples
. Since lower
birthrates
Correct your spelling
birth rates
show examples
 are typically detrimental to a country, it is evident that the trend of ageing populations is not positive. As the above evidence shows, there are many drawbacks to nations with a significant proportion of elderly
people
. Despite
this
, it is assumed that little can be done to counter
this
 development.
Submitted by Mrjit147 on

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task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task by examining both the strain on public health resources and the impact on younger populations. To achieve a higher score, consider exploring more dimensions of the issue, such as potential benefits or different societal perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure and flows well from one point to the next. To enhance coherence between ideas, use transitional phrases to connect paragraphs more explicitly.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the taxation funding in Canada and fertility rates in Japan, which helped illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, framing the argument well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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