IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The government should sometimes infringe on people's freedom of the security of society. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is often argued that the
government
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 should sometimes infringe on the citizen's
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
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 because of the safety of
society
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. The main point of contention is related to the appropriateness of
this
Linking Words
government
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 action, but from my perspective, It seems convincing that
this
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 infringement on
people
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's
freedom
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 should be prohibited because the
freedom
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 of
people
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 is more important than social safety.
To begin
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 with, I accept that allowing
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
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 to
limite
Correct your spelling
limit
people
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's
freedom
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 can help a
society
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 to remain safe from violent crime.
This
Linking Words
 is because harsh
government
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 regulations that restrict
people
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's freedoms will prevent crime.
For example
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, strong
government
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 prohibitions on the civil right to own a gun
helps
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help
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 to keep
society
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 safe from gun-related massacres in public places like shopping malls and movie
theaters
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theatres
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.
As a result
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,
people
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 can feel comfortable and safe when they visit crowded places.
On the other hand
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, I am convinced that infringing on civil
freedom
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 should be prohibited because
this
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 can lead to positive outcomes.
This
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 is because protecting
freedom
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 means that
people
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 can
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
peruse
 their wants and dreams without any limitations from the
government
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.
For example
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,
people
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 from
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 countries like the United States emphasize the importance of personal
freedom
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 as a core value of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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. and
this
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 is the value that allows them to follow and achieve their dreams.
As a result
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, letting
people
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 live freely without
government
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 interference is the most appropriate relationship between a
government
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 and its citizens.
This
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 shows that infringing on the
freedom
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 of
people
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 should not be allowed in the majority of circumstances. In conclusion, infringing on
people
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's
freedom
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 is a contentious topic because there are opinions that support and
oppse
Correct your spelling
oppose
this
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 basic idea.
However
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, I personally believe that the
government
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 should not infringe on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
civil's
Change noun form
civil
show examples
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
 unless it is absolutely necessary.

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task response
In the introduction, clarify your stance more explicitly. Right now, it's slightly vague whether you are completely against any infringement or only in limited cases.
task response
In the introductory paragraph, you could more directly define the terms like 'freedom' and 'security' to prevent any ambiguity.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transition between paragraphs by adding linking phrases or sentences where ideas seem to jump suddenly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the tone of conclusion aligns well with the introduction and body. Currently, it somewhat suggests a shift in your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion that give clear boundaries to your argument.
task achievement
The examples given, like the restriction of gun rights to enhance safety, are pertinent and help to elucidate your point effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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