The government should sometimes infringe on people's freedom of the security of society. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?
It is often argued that the
government
should sometimes infringe on the citizen's right
because of the safety of Fix the agreement mistake
rights
society
. The main point of contention is related to the appropriateness of this
government
action, but from my perspective, It seems convincing that this
infringement on people
's freedom
should be prohibited because the freedom
of people
is more important than social safety.
To begin
with, I accept that allowing government
to Add an article
the government
limite
Correct your spelling
limit
people
's freedom
can help a society
to remain safe from violent crime. This
is because harsh government
regulations that restrict people
's freedoms will prevent crime. For example
, strong government
prohibitions on the civil right to own a gun helps
to keep Change the verb form
help
society
safe from gun-related massacres in public places like shopping malls and movie theaters
. Change the spelling
theatres
As a result
, people
can feel comfortable and safe when they visit crowded places.
On the other hand
, I am convinced that infringing on civil freedom
should be prohibited because this
can lead to positive outcomes. This
is because protecting freedom
means that people
can persue
their wants and dreams without any limitations from the Correct your spelling
pursue
peruse
government
. For example
, people
from western
countries like the United States emphasize the importance of personal Capitalize word
Western
freedom
as a core value of the
Correct article usage
apply
society
. and this
is the value that allows them to follow and achieve their dreams. As a result
, letting people
live freely without government
interference is the most appropriate relationship between a government
and its citizens. This
shows that infringing on the freedom
of people
should not be allowed in the majority of circumstances.
In conclusion, infringing on people
's freedom
is a contentious topic because there are opinions that support and oppse
Correct your spelling
oppose
this
basic idea. However
, I personally believe that the government
should not infringe on the
Correct article usage
apply
civil's
Change noun form
civil
right
unless it is absolutely necessary.Fix the agreement mistake
rights
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task response
In the introduction, clarify your stance more explicitly. Right now, it's slightly vague whether you are completely against any infringement or only in limited cases.
task response
In the introductory paragraph, you could more directly define the terms like 'freedom' and 'security' to prevent any ambiguity.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transition between paragraphs by adding linking phrases or sentences where ideas seem to jump suddenly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the tone of conclusion aligns well with the introduction and body. Currently, it somewhat suggests a shift in your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion that give clear boundaries to your argument.
task achievement
The examples given, like the restriction of gun rights to enhance safety, are pertinent and help to elucidate your point effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite