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Band 5.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than before. Some peple say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.

#countries #people #peple #population #governments #society
In the contemporary era, individuals have a longer lifetime compared to
people
 who live in the past in several nations. Some members of the public disclose that old generations can cause numerous crises for politicians,
while
 other
people
 believe that these
people
 have many positive aspects for their countries. I wholeheartedly disagree with
this
 statement that
attendance
Correct article usage
the attendance
show examples
 of elderly
people
 leads to profits for societies because they have old opinions, and they are not able to work as efficiently as younger
people
. On the one hand, old
people
 have several conventional beliefs that have detrimental effects on the development of their countries. Indeed, the majority of these
people
 can not embrace some modifications that societies need for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advancement.
In addition
, they emphasize
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some traditional approaches that are no longer helpful.
Thus
, not only do they bring about positive points for their societies, but they
also
 perform like barriers against new ideas that youth come up with. For a prime example, when Galileo discovered a new theory not only did older
people
 authorize him to talk about his idea, but they
also
 wanted to kill him.
Further
 and even more importantly,
Correct article usage
the aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 process leads to less productivity for
people
 who are old.
Hence
, they can not do some tasks that need a lot of energy.
Although
, owing to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 age , they have
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of experience, they do not have
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 capability to utilize
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it.
For instance
, it can be seen that many factories do not have a tendency to recruit older
people
 or even some firms omit these
people
 because
bosses
Correct article usage
the bosses
show examples
 of these organizations know that they can not be useful for their establishments. In conclusion, from my viewpoint, old age members of society do not have any advantages for their countries because they can not accept easily new inventions or views, and they can not do several activities
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 good quality.
Submitted by speher2000behroozifar on

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coherence cohesion
Try to expand on the introduction by briefly outlining the main points you will discuss. This will give the reader a clear roadmap of your essay’s direction.
task achievement
Some examples could be more specific or detailed, to strengthen the argument. You may consider integrating statistics or case studies to provide solid evidence.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively present and summarize the main argument.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the Galileo example, enhance the argument by illustrating how traditional views can hinder progress.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported by logical reasoning and organized well throughout the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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