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Band 6.5

Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your opinion?

#people #influence #adults #friends #support
Opinions vary on whether
families
 or
friends
 have a greater impact on young
adults
. In my view,
while
friends
 significantly influence young people,
families
 have a larger impact for several reasons.
First,
families
 shape children's core values and long-term decision-making. Parents play a crucial role in teaching important qualities like respect, responsibility, and empathy, which stem from their experiences. These lessons are vital for children's future careers and relationships.
For instance
, children who learn the value of money from their parents' hardships tend to manage their finances more effectively later on.
Second,
families
 set a model for relationships between young
adults
 and their
friends
. The dynamics within a family,
such
 as communication and conflict resolution, serve as lessons from which young
adults
 can learn to interact positively with their peers and partners.
Third,
families
 provide essential emotional and financial support. Unlike
friends
, who may come and go,
families
 are always there to offer support during difficult times. They play a key role in helping young
adults
 navigate emotional struggles, academic pressures, and financial issues.
For example
, siblings can be a source of comfort and advice on how to resolve conflicts among
friends
.
Lastly
,
families
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 beliefs,
such
 as religious values, which shape young
adults
' attitudes and how they respond to ups and downs in their lives.
For instance
, those who believe in God are likely to be more optimistic,
while
 those who are atheists may adopt a more practical approach when facing the same adversity. In conclusion,
while
friends
 frequently accompany young
adults
, I believe
families
 have a more significant influence on their lives. (264 words)
Submitted by ngocthuykatie on

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task achievement
To further enhance the essay, consider adding more diverse examples that represent different cultural or socio-economic backgrounds. This will showcase a broader understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While the current structure is strong, using more transitional phrases will improve cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow the argument.
task achievement
The main points are consistently supported with relevant examples, adding depth to the argument.
task achievement
The essay maintains focus on the topic and addresses the task comprehensively, ensuring relevance throughout.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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