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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

70.The government has the duty to ensure that its citizens have a healthy diet, while others believe this is individuals’ responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#government #duty #citizens #diet #individuals’ #responsibility
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A portion of people view that it is the government's job to make sure that citizens have a healthy
diet
.
Conversely
, others think that everyone is responsible for their own
diet
. I feel that eating healthy is something that you are responsible for.
To begin
 with, consuming the right nutrients is essential to the longevity of life. But most products nowadays are filled with fattening ingredients and the ones that don’t are always more expensive. A number of people believe that the government should provide civilians
more
Change preposition
with more
show examples
 accessible ways to eat
healthy
Change the adjective
healthily
show examples
.
For instance
, they should make healthy foods more affordable and set a policy for food production companies to use less processed and unhealthy ingredients in their products. To add to that, they should restrict the use of harmful chemicals,
such
 as artificial
coloring
Change the spelling
colouring
show examples
.
However
, some view
that
Correct word choice
apply
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a healthy
diet
is
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 a
self responsibility
Add a hyphen
self-responsibility
show examples
. They say that you are responsible for your own body and what you consume because the outcome will only affect you.
Moreover
, no one
diet
 fits everyone, a person's needs and beliefs vary in many ways. Some individuals may function better with
high carbohydrates
Correct your spelling
high-carbohydrate
show examples
 food but some
Add a missing verb
are greater
show examples
greater
Correct word choice
better
show examples
 with a
diet
 that prioritizes fats.
For example
, athletes will require a more specific
diet
 that contains more protein to help their muscles recover faster.
To conclude
, some people support the idea that the government should ensure a healthy
diet
.
Contradictingly
Correct your spelling
Contradicting
, opposers think that it is one's responsibility to eat
healthy
Change the adjective
healthily
show examples
. In my opinion,
although
 authorities could help maintain a healthful
diet
, it should be your personal duty and choice to make.
Submitted by minnikamol on

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task achievement
Clarify the main argument in the introduction to strengthen the thesis statement, making it more aligned with the discussion you're going to have.
coherence cohesion
Enhance transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow, aiding in better cohesion.
task achievement
The essay includes a balanced view, discussing both sides of the argument clearly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a strong start and finish to the essay.
task achievement
Relevant examples support the arguments, adding depth to the discussion.
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