IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries it is thought advisable that children begin formal education at four years old, while in others they do not have to start school until they are seven or eight. How far do you agree with either of these views?

#countries #children #education #four #years #school #seven #eight
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There seems to be a debatable
issue
 in which formal
education
 ought to be taught for
children
 aged seven or eight
instead
 of four years old. Providing formal
education
 for the initial
age
 group could bring an array of tangible merits to the
development
 of
children
 no matter how sceptical others feel. Now, I will make the
issue
 clear in order to arrive at the
last
 but not least conclusion. First and foremost, different classes of society insist that formal
education
 needs to be taught to four-year-olds.
Nonetheless
, it is better to let
children
 have memorable childhoods with their peers or families. Particularly, the majority of
children
 have
such
 an enormous amount of responsibility that they don't have a sufficient amount of time to have fun. If students are provided with formal
education
 at a later
age
, they will have memorable childhoods.
In other words
, more free time is needed for
children
 to do amusing activities with their family and friends. That's all I have explained about the
issue
 like the coin flips over two sides. When it comes to voicing my opinion on the
issue
, there could be several brighter sides after providing formal
education
 at a later
age
. More importantly, soft
skills
such
 as responsibility and communication
skills
 could be gained by
children
 during playground activities. If I lay my cards on the table, childhood memories and activities play a part and parcel role in the
development
 of
children
. To cite Mongolia as an example, formal
education
 is provided for students as they turn 7 or 8 years old.
As a result
,
children
 grow up to have soft and hard
skills
 so that they rarely encounter hurdles for their future careers and personal
development
. It is the most reasonable paradigm.
Last
 but not least, I would be in confident that providing formal
education
 for
children
 at a later
age
 could turn a new leaf on their personal
development
 by offering an opportunity to learn hard and soft
skills
whereas
 teaching
such
education
 at a younger
age
 is unlikely to be beneficial even if some people never feel advocative with my point-of-view.
Submitted by M on

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task achievement
The essay presents an interesting analysis of the topic, but the argument could be developed more fully. Try to ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea that directly addresses the task, and support these ideas with detailed examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
While the essay's ideas are organized into paragraphs, some transitions between points and ideas could improve clarity and flow. Consider using linking words and phrases to create better flow between sentences and ideas to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
The writer begins with a clear introduction and concludes with a restatement, providing a logical structure to the essay.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the reference to Mongolia, helps illustrate the points being made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • formal education
  • advisable
  • structured learning
  • academic skills
  • socialization
  • competitive edge
  • cognitive development
  • language acquisition
  • play-based learning
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • cognitive abilities
  • reduce stress
  • childhood
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