IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

There are many reasons that can motivate a person to stay working for the same company. Some believe that money is the main reason. Do you agree or disagree?

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Various reasons could encourage someone to work in the same workplace for a longer period, and
money
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 is an important factor
according to
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 some individuals.
However
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, I disagree that
money
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 is the reason, as there are several other companies paying an equal wage, and that the
environment
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 and working conditions of a company play a crucial role rather than the monetary considerations.  The same pay rate is entitled by other companies too;
thus
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,
money
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 does not seem to be a specific reason for someone to stay longer in a corporation.
This
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 means an employee could get recruited anywhere else on the same wage as multiple businesses are searching for a particular candidate under one job title. The website called “indeed”,
for example
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, has the position of a junior data analyst with multiple recruiters all paying around $45,000 annually.   The
environment
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 and working conditions of a company play an imperative role when an employee stays in a company longer.
This
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 is because if a worker finds it comfortable to work in a fast-paced
environment
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then
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 the chances of an individual staying in a business increase
while
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 if someone feels uncomfortable working in a specific condition
then
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 it might result in the resignation of an employee.
For instance
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, it is commonly seen that a larger number of pregnant women leave jobs because they do not find it suitable to work in a fast-paced
environment
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.   In conclusion, the
environment
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 matters the most when a person prefers to continue a particular job
due to
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 comfort level, and
money
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 does not seem to be the major reason as there are a bunch of other industries available in the market.

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task achievement
While the essay presents a clear position regarding the statement (disagreeing that money is the main reason), it would benefit from further elaboration on the opposing viewpoint (why some people believe money is the main reason). Adding a paragraph discussing common arguments about the value of monetary incentives could provide a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Ensure slightly smoother transitions between ideas. While the structure is easy to follow, more connective phrases could further enhance the flow between arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a strong introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument and summarizing the viewpoint.
task achievement
The argument is clear and mostly comprehensive, with logical reasoning that supports the position presented.
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