IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some people think person happiness is directly related to economic success, while others believe this depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #person #happiness #success #factors
Many people believe that earning more
money
 is the most important thing to be happy,
while
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others think there are lots of different things that affect happiness.
While
 acknowledging that financial
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 has a significant role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 happiness. I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 the other factors are more important for it
such
 as being healthy. On the one
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 it is certainly true that life will not be easy without earning enough
money
. Most of the things that make people happy come at a cost.
For instance
, If someone is lonely with no family,
no
Correct word choice
and no
show examples
 one but has
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of
money
, He or she will not
fell
Correct your spelling
feel
show examples
 good.
On the other hand
, It is known y everyone that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money
 is not enough to
get
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 happiness.
For example
, if someone has
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
cancer or some kind of
illnesses
Fix the agreement mistake
illness
show examples
 that can't easily
treat
Wrong verb form
treated
show examples
, even if
this
 person has lots of
money
 it does not matter for him or her. İt is not possible to
fell
Correct your spelling
feel
show examples
 good without health. In Conclusion, being successful economically is not enough to make people happy. Living
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life as a healthy person is an indescribable
hapinesses
Correct your spelling
happiness
happinesses
.
Submitted by e.yildizhundur on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical structure by clearly outlining your main points in the introduction and summarizing them in the conclusion. Consider organizing your paragraphs so that they build on each other more smoothly.
task achievement
Make sure to introduce and explain any examples more thoroughly, so they clearly support your main arguments. Ensure your response fully addresses all aspects of the task prompt.
overall
Revise your essay to address small grammatical errors and increase clarity. Pay attention to sentence variety and transitions between ideas.
task achievement
The essay includes both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a clear beginning and end.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic success
  • material wealth
  • emotional well-being
  • psychological satisfaction
  • personal fulfillment
  • quality of life
  • financial stability
  • socioeconomic status
  • mental health
  • sense of purpose
  • interpersonal relationships
  • cultural norms
  • subjective well-being
  • life satisfaction
  • luxuries
  • financial security
  • self-actualization
  • work-life balance
  • non-materialistic values
  • livelihood
What to do next:
Look at other essays: