IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important and governments should spend more money on this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Education
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 for young people is often considered a top priority in many countries.
However
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, some argue that educating
adults
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, especially those who are illiterate, is even more important and that governments should allocate more resources to
adult
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education
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. In my view, both youth and
adult
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education
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 are equally essential, and governments should find a balance between the two. First of all,
adult
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education
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 can significantly enhance the
overall
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 quality of
society
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. By gaining literacy
skills
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,
adults
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 are better able to integrate into the workforce, improving their employability in industries that require basic reading and writing
skills
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.
For example
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, literate
adults
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 can take on jobs in finance or technology, where precision and knowledge are essential.
Furthermore
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,
adult
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education
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also
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 promotes social engagement. Educated
adults
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 are more likely to participate in civic activities,
such
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 as voting or volunteering in their communities, thereby fostering a stronger civil
society
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. A real-world example can be seen in Brazil, where the government’s
adult
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education
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 initiatives have helped thousands of people acquire literacy
skills
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, leading to improved living standards and greater social stability.
On the other hand
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,
education
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 for young people is equally crucial. Children are at a stage where they can easily form good study habits, which lay the foundation for lifelong learning. Studies have shown that early
education
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 not only improves academic performance but
also
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 fosters critical thinking and creativity,
skills
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 that are vital for success in higher
education
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 and future careers.
For instance
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, a BBC report highlighted that children who receive early exposure to science
education
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 outperform their peers in math and logical thinking.
This
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 demonstrates that investing in early
education
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 is key to developing well-rounded individuals who can contribute positively to
society
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 in the long term. In conclusion, both
adult
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 and youth
education
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play
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plays
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 a vital role in shaping a better
society
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.
While
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adult
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education
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 helps improve the quality of the workforce and fosters civic engagement, youth
education
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 is essential for developing future generations. Governments should strive to balance their investment in both, ensuring that all citizens have access to
education
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, regardless of their age.

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Task Response
While the essay introduces the topic effectively, the distinction between the importance of adult and youth education could be explored further. Consider adding more analytical depth about why balancing resources is challenging or why one might prioritize one over the other.
Task Response
Ensure that each paragraph fully supports the main argument. For example, the discussion on how adult education enhances society could be expanded with more examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The cohesion of the essay is generally well-handled, but transitions between ideas in some paragraphs could be more fluid. Use linking devices to clarify the relationship between your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion that succinctly state your position.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your argument, such as the example of adult education in Brazil and early science education's impact.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph logically follows the previous one, contributing to a coherent overall structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • literacy programs
  • functional illiteracy
  • social mobility
  • inter-generational poverty
  • workforce development
  • economic growth
  • social cohesion
  • public health
  • civic participation
  • resource allocation
  • national development
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