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Band 2

These days, many people have their own computer and telephone, so it is quite easy for them to do their job at home. Does working at home have more advantages or more disadvantages?

#people #computer #telephone #job #home
Today every person owns at least three modern technologies at home. TV, home computer, tablet, headphones, mobile phone and many other stuff we have. Our modern technologies have many functions but it was not the same in the past, twenty years ago
people
 only started getting domestic
access
 to modern technology. These days everything is
accessable
Correct your spelling
accessible
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 us, we can easily listen to
music
 without even purchasing it with money.
However
,
music
 was not free in the past. Around 1980 the first
CD
player
 appeared, just in ten years around 60 % of UK
people
 had
CD
Correct article usage
a CD
show examples
player
, as time flew, the
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 only
rised
Correct your spelling
rose
 and just in six
years
Add a comma
years,
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 the number became 80%. Everything
costed
Wrong verb form
cost
show examples
 money,
people
Correct word choice
and people
show examples
 had to buy
CD
Add an article
a CD
show examples
player
 and
CD
 disks for it, but now
music
 is free, you can always
listen
Add the preposition
listen to
show examples
 it online, all you need is just one
music
 app and headphones for good sound.
Although
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 appeared
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 same time as
CD
Correct article usage
the CD
show examples
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
, fewer
people
 got
access
 to it. Only around 40% of UK
people
 had internet
access
 in 2003, today all the world is online. In conclusion, modern technology
access
 rises highly every year.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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content
The essay does not fully address the prompt. Make sure to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working from home, which is the main topic of the task.
coherence
Improve your introduction by clearly stating your position on the topic of working from home and what your essay will cover.
examples
Support your main points with more examples relating specifically to working from home. Discuss both sides of the argument (advantages and disadvantages).
structure
Reorganize the paragraphs so that each one clearly presents an idea about the advantages or disadvantages of working from home, such as flexibility or isolation.
style
Your writing style is clear and easy to follow, making good use of transitional phrases which guide the reader through your text.
examples
You provide relevant historical data to show changes in technology access over time.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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