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Writing Samples
Band 8

Professional sports persons are often idolized by the youth. Some people think that they, therefore, have a responsibility to be role models at all times for children. Do you agree or disagree?

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The younger generation commonly considers professional
sports
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 players as their idols. Many individuals assert that
this
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 idolization brings these well-known
people
Use synonyms
 some responsibilities. In my opinion,
sports
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people
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 should feel responsible for their
fans
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.
Moreover
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, they must be careful about their actions as they may affect their
fans
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 in a positive or negative manner.
Firstly
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, a lot of children have a tendency to be famous and successful
sports
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 players in their teenage.
Accordingly
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, they try to copy the most well-known and top champions in their desired fields.
For instance
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, a pupil, who is enthusiastic to be a booming football player, finds Christiano Ronaldo or Leonel Messi as his role models and tries to resemble their professional and personal lives.
Thereupon
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,
this
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 idolization would mislead these infants if these famous
people
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 had corruption.
Secondly
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, these famous
people
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 must beware and be cautious as their
fans
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, mostly teenagers and the youth, could be affected by their deeds both negatively and positively. Lots of pupils who imagine a future like that of their idolized person would experience disillusionment if their favourite
sports
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 players committed something wrong even after the end of their professional lives.
For example
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, Diego Maradona, an Argentinian football legend, has always been worshipped
due to
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 his memorable achievements in football.
Nevertheless
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, he was remarkably criticized because of his addiction to Cocaine.
This
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also
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 brought his
fans
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 a substantial amount of disappointment as he has always been an idol both nationally and internationally. In conclusion, many youths and teenagers idolize
sports
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people
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 as they are interested in making the same life as theirs, and these idolized
people
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 are
also
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 responsible at all times as they are imitated by those young generations.

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Task Achievement
Expand upon the introduction by clearly stating your stance on the topic right away to ensure readers understand your position from the start.
Task Achievement
Include more varied examples of professional sportspeople and their influence, as this strengthens the argument and provides more comprehensive support to your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance your essay's structure by incorporating clear transitions between paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points of the essay while reinforcing your stance, adding a more powerful ending to your argument.
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