IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

#government #responsibility #citizens #safety #people #defense
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Nowadays there is a rise in political tension across the globe and multiple
countries
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 are involved in open war. Some citizens argue that their country should invest more in their national defence lines like army and marine forces over social and other infrastructures. In
this
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 essay, I will go over
this
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 point of view and give my opinion. A country has duets towards its citizens, one of those duets is protection and providing
security
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 which comes in different ways and forms.
For example
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, to provide food
security
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, Financial
security
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, health
security
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 and
last
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 but not least national
security
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. National
security
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 and protecting the country's borders is one of the top priorities for a thriving nation. In most
countries
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, the governmental expenditure on the army and national
security
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 is ranked as the top expense. Given the increased tension in the world,
this
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 is considered
as
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apply
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a wise strategy for providing protection.
Also
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, another form of protection is having strong allies in the region to provide
further
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 support against common enemies.
For example
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, most of the
countries
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 in The Arabic Gulf have strong alliances with the US and have been importing expensive army machinery for a prolonged period of time.
While
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,
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protecting a nation's interests and ensuring its safety is important, there other internal components which need maintenance and development. Having clean water, sufficient food, health care, high employment rates and infrastructure are equally important for all nations. Not providing all those necessities, might lead to a high discrepancy in social structure and classes which in turn can cause internal tension and
further
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 division which eventually leads to a civil war. Lebanon and Sudan are an example of
such
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 social phenomena. In conclusion,
security
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 has been always a top priority for
countries
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 all over the world. Yet, a government should not overlook other national needs which are more important to an average person on a daily basis. National expenditure changes depending on current events and national needs and it should not be fixed in one direction.
Submitted by ghadeersulami on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence. This helps in letting readers know what is going to be discussed.
task achievement
Try to avoid repetition of phrases and aim for varied vocabulary.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and avoid run-on sentences for better clarity.
task achievement
The essay effectively recognizes the dual responsibilities of the government related to defense and social welfare.
task achievement
The essay uses relevant examples like the alliance with the US to make its arguments more substantial.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes both sides of the argument and presents a balanced view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • national security
  • sovereignty
  • foreign entities
  • military sector
  • economic growth
  • inequality
  • vulnerable populations
  • elderly
  • disabled
  • unemployed
  • social stability
  • public health
  • balanced approach
  • appropriate funding
  • nation’s needs
  • priorities
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