The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Owing to the problems that a growing
population
Use synonyms
of overweight people cause for the health care system, it is thought that the key to solving
this
Linking Words
issue is to have more sport and
exercise
Use synonyms
in
schools
Use synonyms
. I agree that
this
Linking Words
is one way to tackle the problem, but diet must be taken into consideration as well. Increasing sport or regular
exercise
Use synonyms
in
schools
Use synonyms
is a useful way to tackle weight problems in the long run for the general
population
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
method will encourage a new generation to develop vital habits that support
overall
Linking Words
health and help them maintain a reasonable weight. At the moment, the average child in the West participates in sports possibly twice a week, which is not enough to counteract their
otherwise
Linking Words
sedentary lifestyle that comes from many hours each day of sitting at a desk for their lessons. By incorporating more
exercise
Use synonyms
time and possibly extracurricular physical activities, they will undoubtedly become fitter and more active, and continue living that way after leaving school.
However
Linking Words
, targeting physical
exercise
Use synonyms
in schoolchildren to reduce the current issue of obesity in the wider
population
Use synonyms
is not effective enough on its own.
First,
Linking Words
children in
schools
Use synonyms
need to be educated about what constitutes healthy
foods
Use synonyms
and the reasons behind
this
Linking Words
in order to ensure a new generation of people who understand clean eating.
Second,
Linking Words
for a more immediately impactful change, it is important to look at reducing the number of ultra-processed
foods
Use synonyms
(UPFs) on the market, which too many people gravitate toward.
For instance
Linking Words
, the government could impose a tax on UPFs to increase the price, and
likewise
Linking Words
reduce the cost of healthy
foods
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
as vegetables, to encourage a better diet.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I believe the best approach to tackling weight issues in the
population
Use synonyms
starts with increasing
exercise
Use synonyms
in
schools
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
encouraging a healthier diet through price changes targeting specific
foods
Use synonyms
on the market.
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure all main ideas are fully developed, particularly in terms of providing evidence or examples to support claims about diet changes.
coherence and cohesion
Although the essay flows well, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the task and presents a balanced discussion on the issue of obesity and healthcare strain.
coherence and cohesion
Logical structure is maintained throughout, with each paragraph contributing to the development of the main argument and a clear conclusion provided.
task achievement
The essay uses clear and precise language, making it easy to follow the writer's line of argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: