IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The government should invest in education and health care. Governments should invest these funds in tourism. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#government #education #health #care #governments #funds #tourism
In every
country
 on the earth, there is disagreement around the topic of legal funds. On
this
 topic, few consider bureaucracy ought to spend money on
education
 and
health
 systems;
while
 others contend authorities should invest
this
 proportion in
tourism
. I totally disagree with
this
 notion because the
health
care
 and
education
 systems are primarily sectors for all nations.
To begin
 with, there is no doubt that the
education
system
 is the foundation of a particular region. First and foremost, educating folks aid in to growth of the economy of the
country
. If people are qualified and work in a good profession;
therefore
 they will taxes to the
country
;
thus
 it assists in to growth
country
 in various aspects.
In other words
, in many developing countries, people are not educated;
hence
 they become a burden on the taxpayers.
Likewise
, a good
education
system
 helps to bring international students into the
country
 which automatically boosts the economy of the
country
.
For instance
, a recent survey conducted by Time News of India indicates that the statistics of international students increased in London by 12% in 2019 compared to 2011 and it helped to increase the
country
's economy.
Additionally
,
health
care
 is another prominent area to focus
.
Change preposition
on.
show examples
Firstly
, citizens need a good
health
care
system
 because they pay taxes from their income.
For example
, an article written by The
university
Capitalize word
University
show examples
 of New York illustrates that many countries have free
healthcarecare
Correct your spelling
healthcare care
health care care
 systems.
Moreover
, a healthy
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
system
 makes healthy people.
Similarly
, unhealthy residents are a burden on the government and taxpayers. Substantial, legal bodies should pay more attention to
health
care
.
Overall
,
although
tourism
 is a paramount sector, spending
education
 and
health
care
 funds on
tourism
 is not a feasible solution. The government should make a separate budget for
tourism
.
Submitted by taniamall786 on

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task achievement
Consider refining your thesis statement for clarity. It would benefit from explicitly stating your position in relation to investing in tourism versus education and healthcare.
task achievement
Your supporting points could include more specific data or examples to strengthen your argument. This helps solidify the stance and make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to maintain cohesion. Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas clearly.
coherence cohesion
Try grouping related ideas into paragraphs more effectively. This will enhance the logical structure and make your arguments clearer.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which restates the main arguments supporting the position taken.
task achievement
You have a good range of vocabulary related to the topic, which helps convey your ideas effectively.
logical structure
There is a logical progression of ideas that supports your viewpoint throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Investment: capital allocation towards a sector, often for development or improvement.
  • Long-term economic growth: sustainable increase in a country’s economic productivity over an extended period.
  • Knowledgeable workforce: employees who are well-educated and trained, capable of driving innovation.
  • Healthcare services: medical services, including prevention, treatment, and management of illnesses.
  • Economic sustainability: responsible management of resources to ensure long-term economic health.
  • Tourism: industry focusing on travel for leisure, which contributes to a nation's economic revenue.
  • External factors: variables outside of a country's control that can impact its economy or sectors.
  • Foundation: the base or groundwork upon which further development can be built.
  • Societal welfare: the well-being of a community in terms of health, education, and economic conditions.
  • Social equity: fairness and equality in access to opportunities and resources within a society.
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