In recent times, economic growth has helped many become richer, both in developed and developing countries. However, those in developed countries are not as happy as they were in the past. What do you think is this? What do you think can be learned from this?
It is a known fact that
,
countries that are developed or developing are becoming stronger and richer, Remove the comma
apply
however
the people
are not as satisfied with these opportunities as they were in the past. This
essay will discuss and explain the reasons for this
.
Initially
, in the past, people
would be satisfied with everything, whether they were rich or poor, economically good or bad. Since, the expectations were much lower and people
were in
Change preposition
at
the
similar level with each other, economically. Correct article usage
a
However
, as people
became richer, the expectations grew alongside with
it, Change preposition
apply
thus
the happiness
of people
decreased significantly. For instance
, several people
have reported that,
they are not extremely happy, even if they are rich.
Remove the comma
apply
Additionally
, it is a fact that money does not bring happiness
. Whether you have billions of dollars, or none, psyhical
health and mental health Correct your spelling
physical
is
significantly vital. With Correct subject-verb agreement
are
healthy
mind and body, internal joy, Correct article usage
a healthy
happiness
Correct word choice
and happiness
comes
along, and the person becomes "rich" internally. Correct subject-verb agreement
come
For instance
, Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, who
was extremely rich, Correct pronoun usage
apply
however
he was suffering from severe cancer, Add the comma(s)
however,
thus
he passed away from it.
In conclusion, as the countries and the Rephrase
so
people
become richer, the percentage of their happiness
declines. The reason for this
is the growing expectations from people
, and the fact that wealth does not bring joy, the most significant thing is having healthy
mind and body.Correct article usage
a healthy
Submitted by lalecelilbeyli2002 on
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Task Achievement
Try to incorporate a specific example or study that shows a lack of connection between wealth and happiness in different countries to strengthen your discussion.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas more comprehensively, such as explaining why expectations have grown or what has contributed to changing satisfaction levels.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by using more linking phrases between sentences and paragraphs to ensure a smooth transition of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is clearly structured with a strong introduction and conclusion that encapsulates the main ideas.
Task Achievement
You've highlighted an important and relevant aspect, that increased wealth sometimes does not correlate with increased happiness.
Task Achievement
Using specific examples like Steve Jobs adds a personal touch to your argument, making it more relatable and vivid.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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