IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The government should invest in education and health care. Governments should invest these funds in tourism. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#government #education #health #care #governments #funds #tourism
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The topic of government investment has become a major debate in recent years. Some people argue that the funds should be invested in
tourism
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instead
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 of
education
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 and
health
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care
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. In my opinion, I totally disagree with
this
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 statement.
This
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 essay will clarify my point of view. Is it obvious that
education
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 and
health
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care
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 are a priority for every nation
.
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?
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 And the government should invest even more in
this
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 matter. Because without a good quality schooling
system
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 and hospitals. There will be no development.
For example
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, we can see
this
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 picture in many countries that
did
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do
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 not pay attention to the school
system
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 like India. A lot of people suffer there and die
due to
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 lacking hospital facilities and a poor school
system
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.
Therefore
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, I do believe if we want a wonderful future we need to focus on fundamental things first
such
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 as learning and having access to
health
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care
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.
On the other hand
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,
tourism
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 is clearly essential for the country's economic growth. There is no doubt in
this
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 matter.
However
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, I do not agree that money should be spent more on
tourism
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 than
education
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 and hospitals.
moreover
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, there will be no visitors if our country has no great
system
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 of
health
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 and schooling services. Because the country will be poor if there are no qualified employees.
For instance
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, a study has been conducted at Yale University about the number of tourists who visit India, and they found that only 17% visit India every year owing to their poor
education
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 and healthcare facilities. In conclusion, funding to
atracts
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attract
tavellers
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travellers
 is crucial. But, it seems to me that without a good
education
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 and
health
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care
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 there will be no benefit from
tourism
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.
Submitted by reem.rz112 on

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task response
Consider developing the essay further by providing more detailed examples or evidence to strengthen your points. This will enhance the persuasiveness of your argument and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence variety, as the essay currently relies on a few basic structures. Using more varied and complex sentences can make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively used to set up and wrap up the argument, creating a clear overall structure.
task achievement
You have effectively expressed a clear position on the topic and have maintained this stance throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with logically ordered points, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Investment: capital allocation towards a sector, often for development or improvement.
  • Long-term economic growth: sustainable increase in a country’s economic productivity over an extended period.
  • Knowledgeable workforce: employees who are well-educated and trained, capable of driving innovation.
  • Healthcare services: medical services, including prevention, treatment, and management of illnesses.
  • Economic sustainability: responsible management of resources to ensure long-term economic health.
  • Tourism: industry focusing on travel for leisure, which contributes to a nation's economic revenue.
  • External factors: variables outside of a country's control that can impact its economy or sectors.
  • Foundation: the base or groundwork upon which further development can be built.
  • Societal welfare: the well-being of a community in terms of health, education, and economic conditions.
  • Social equity: fairness and equality in access to opportunities and resources within a society.
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