IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some governments spend a lot of public money training individuals to be successful in international sporting events. Some people believe that this money should be spent on things that will benefit the general public instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#governments #money #individuals #events #people #benefit
Sports
 has been a part of our society for many
years
. Nowadays, governments allocate training funds for eligible individuals to participate in international sporting events,
such
 as the Olympics or the Southeast
Asean
Correct your spelling
Asian
 Games.
While
 some people would say that the money should
instead
 be allocated to the needs of the general public, I believe that it is important for the
government
 to
support
 the training of its athletes.
This
 will not only boost the confidence of these professionals but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
also
 help in achieving their goal,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is to win
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gold for their country. China has been a
front runner
Add a hyphen
front-runner
show examples
 in the Olympics for a lot of decades.
This
 achievement can be attributed to the unwavering
support
 of their
government
 for their training needs. At a very early age, as early as 5
years
 old, children are trained in different
sports
.
This
 in turn develops their physical and mental stamina and makes them very confident about their performance in sporting events.
Thus
, as the world witnessed over the
years
, the country never failed to be on top in terms of
sports
. In 2022, The Philippines received its first Olympic gold after 96
years
 of waiting. Thanks to Hidylin Diaz, a
32-year old
Add a hyphen
32-year-old
show examples
 female weightlifter. She endured
years
 of
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 and even the
diasappointment
Correct your spelling
disappointment
 of not being able to get proper financial
support
 from the Philippine
government
. Resourceful as she is, she reached out to
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
show examples
 for funds to continue her weightlifting goals. Fortunately, several entities agreed to fuel her passion and the outcome was a success. Imagine if the
government
 gave their 100%
support
 to Hidilyn, she could have won more gold to bring home. In conclusion, it is true that a
government
 should be aware of the general public's needs and funding should be provided for it.
However
, the
government
 should
also
 allocate a certain percentage of their budget to promote
sports
 in their country as
this
 will help in the morale of the athletes. In return, athletes can bring pride to their nation by standing on a podium with a medal
while
 they hold their heads high.
Submitted by jing_zabala on

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task response
Consider including a counter-argument to make the discussion more balanced, addressing opposing views more directly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all paragraphs have a clear central idea or topic sentence to guide the reader smoothly through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a strong conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task response
The examples used are relevant and specific, effectively reinforcing the main arguments presented in the essay.
task response
The essay thoroughly responds to the prompt, covering both the importance of supporting athletes and the considerations for general public needs.
task response
The ideas in your essay are clearly communicated and sufficiently comprehensive, reflecting a deep understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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