IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

One of the consquences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantacges of this outweigh the disadvantages?

There are many benefits of enhanced
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 have
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 quality of life and decreasing mortality rate. I believe that
this
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also
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result
Change the verb form
results
show examples
 advantageously than its drawbacks.
To begin
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 with, one of the negative effects of
people
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 living for a long time and the declining number of
death
Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
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 is,
it
Correct word choice
that it
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 can lead to
Correct article usage
an increase
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increase
Wrong verb form
increased
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 population resulting in
inclination
Correct article usage
the inclination
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 of
pollutions
Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
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. Since
people
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 live longer and more individuals are born, the rate of
people
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 living in a community increases.
Thus
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, an
increased
Replace the word
increase
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 in noise pollution since one community caters
a
Change preposition
for a
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larger population.
Additionally
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, air pollution will
also
Linking Words
incline
Verb problem
increase
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 since a lot of
people
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 may use cars as transportation.
However
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, there are more positive consequences to
this
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.
People
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 can enjoy life
Change preposition
for in
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in
Correct your spelling
an
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 extended time and spend more years with their
elder
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elderly
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 or sick relatives because there is
an
Correct article usage
apply
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effective advanced medical
care
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 that can support them.
For instance
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, a better
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health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 system in New Zealand,
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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focus
Correct subject-verb agreement
focuses
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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on older
people
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, they provide rehabilitation to strengthen their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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.
Additionally
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, they give medications for free to improve body systems functions.
As a result
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,
people
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 will definitely have an improved
health
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 and life expectancy.
In addition
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 to that, there is an
economical
Replace the word
economic
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 benefit as well, since
people
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 can witness if a country has good
health
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care
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,
this
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 will attract more
people
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 to reside in their country.
Furthermore
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, more workers from
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
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 will apply for occupations since many
people
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looks
Change the verb form
look
show examples
 for great
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health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 facilities and other
health
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 opportunities. In conclusion, improving
health
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care
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 support may somehow contribute to
pollutions
Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
show examples
, I believe that
this
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 will surely provide more positive effects
such
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 as prolonging
time
Add an article
the time
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 of sick and older
people
Use synonyms
 with their family and economically by increasing residence from other nations.

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task achievement
Try to include a clearer thesis statement in your introduction to clearly state your viewpoint on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully explained with supporting details and examples where necessary. Consider elaborating more on each point to make it comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the logical progression of ideas. Try to make smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Revise for minor grammatical and typographical errors to enhance readability. For instance, use words like 'consequently' or 'as a result' to connect ideas logically.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a good introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main idea effectively.
task achievement
You successfully raised both negative and positive aspects of improved medical care, addressing different perspectives.
task achievement
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main arguments, effectively reinforcing your viewpoint.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • medical care
  • disease management
  • surgical techniques
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • family bonds
  • social contribution
  • healthcare systems
  • chronic disease
  • geriatric care
  • pension systems
  • resource allocation
  • quality of life
What to do next:
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