One of the consquences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantacges of this outweigh the disadvantages?
There are many benefits of enhanced
health
care
, people
have good
quality of life and decreasing mortality rate. I believe that Add an article
a good
this
also
result
advantageously than its drawbacks.
Change the verb form
results
To begin
with, one of the negative effects of people
living for a long time and the declining number of death
is, Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
it
can lead to Correct word choice
that it
Correct article usage
an increase
increase
population resulting in Wrong verb form
increased
inclination
of Correct article usage
the inclination
pollutions
. Since Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
people
live longer and more individuals are born, the rate of people
living in a community increases. Thus
, an increased
in noise pollution since one community catersReplace the word
increase
a
larger population. Change preposition
for a
Additionally
, air pollution will also
incline
since a lot of Verb problem
increase
people
may use cars as transportation.
However
, there are more positive consequences to this
. People
can enjoy life Change preposition
for in
in
extended time and spend more years with their Correct your spelling
an
elder
or sick relatives because there is Replace the word
elderly
an
effective advanced medical Correct article usage
apply
care
that can support them. For instance
, a better health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
care
system in New Zealand, their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
focus
Correct subject-verb agreement
focuses
are
on older Unnecessary verb
apply
people
, they provide rehabilitation to strengthen their body
. Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
Additionally
, they give medications for free to improve body systems functions. As a result
, people
will definitely have an improved health
and life expectancy.
In addition
to that, there is an economical
benefit as well, since Replace the word
economic
people
can witness if a country has good health
care
, this
will attract more people
to reside in their country. Furthermore
, more workers from other country
will apply for occupations since many Change the wording
another country
other countries
people
looks
for great Change the verb form
look
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
care
facilities and other health
opportunities.
In conclusion, improving health
care
support may somehow contribute to pollutions
, I believe that Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
this
will surely provide more positive effects such
as prolonging time
of sick and older Add an article
the time
people
with their family and economically by increasing residence from other nations.Submitted by cng123 on
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task achievement
Try to include a clearer thesis statement in your introduction to clearly state your viewpoint on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully explained with supporting details and examples where necessary. Consider elaborating more on each point to make it comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the logical progression of ideas. Try to make smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Revise for minor grammatical and typographical errors to enhance readability. For instance, use words like 'consequently' or 'as a result' to connect ideas logically.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a good introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main idea effectively.
task achievement
You successfully raised both negative and positive aspects of improved medical care, addressing different perspectives.
task achievement
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main arguments, effectively reinforcing your viewpoint.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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