IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. what are the advantages and disadvantages for the child having a large number of toys? Give your opinion on this.

#parents #children #toys #child
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In childhood
eveyone's
Change noun form
eveyone
show examples
like
Replace the word
likes
show examples
toys
 to play with. There are numerous pros and cons for the
child
 having a copious amount of
miniature
Fix the agreement mistake
miniatures
show examples
. I concur that
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 only with
toys
 can be a barrier
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
holistic
Add an article
the holistic
show examples
 development of children.
This
 essay will shed light on the reasons in upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
to buy
Change the verb form
buying
show examples
 gazillions of
toys
 for
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
, can be
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 easy way for
parents
 to handle stubborn children. Apart
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
this
, having a full range of
toys
child
 is not demanding any other things which is extremely beneficial for
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
parents
as well as
 they can escape from spending time with
child
Correct pronoun usage
their child
show examples
 situation with the help of
this
.
For instance
, a study
reveal
Wrong verb form
revealed
show examples
 that 80% of
parents
buys
Change the verb form
buy
show examples
 a million
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
toys
 for their little ones because they want to
be
Verb problem
keep
show examples
 them busy in the circle,
therefore
, they can easily manage their hectic
shedule
Correct your spelling
schedule
.
However
, it is not good and
detriment
Replace the word
detrimental
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
overall
 growth and they
always
Add a missing verb
are always
show examples
 stuck in only
toys
.
Moreover
,
due to
this
,
adolscents
Correct your spelling
adolescents
 will not be able to develop any other
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 like drawing, playing video games,
participate
Wrong verb form
participating
show examples
 in any other
extra curriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
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 activities so on.
Also
, to stay only
surround
Wrong verb form
surrounded
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
toys
 affect their mind growth as they will become less active and they will not have been
enthusiam
Correct your spelling
enthusiasm
 towards any other activities. What is more, it can be costly for
parents
also
 to
purchage
Correct your spelling
purchase
plently
Correct your spelling
plenty
 of
toys
.
Hence
, it leads to
exaggerate
Change the verb form
exaggerating
show examples
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
expanses
Correct your spelling
expenses
show examples
.
To conclude
, in my view,
to buy
Change the verb form
buying
show examples
 a great number of
toys
 for
child
Add an article
a child
the child
show examples
 can be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their physical, mental, and personal growth. It should be
in limit
Change preposition
limited
show examples
 so that they can get
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to explore and develop their interest in other things
also
Submitted by jasvir1012kaur on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure a smoother transition between the points made in different paragraphs. Using transition phrases like 'On the other hand', 'Consequently', or 'In contrast' could help.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on certain points and balance the explanation with examples. Including more detailed examples can enhance the task achievement score.
language
Refine grammatical structures and vocabulary usage. Some words seem slightly misspelled or misused, which affects the clarity of some arguments presented.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively summarize the main points.
task achievement
The writer has attempted to give reasons and examples to support the arguments, showing a clear engagement with the task.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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