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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits in society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the advantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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There are a lot of old people in some countries who live longer than usual. Some argue that the old age population causes problems for governments.
While
 others are of the opinion that the elderly can bring some gains.
This
 essay will agree about the advantages of having an ageing population from my perspective. One obvious thing about the ageing population is that it can help the security of many countries become more stable because of its sustainability in innovation and creativity.
For example
, an old professor who is knowledgeable about the research of science and technology can improve the security of a country
such
 as making artificial intelligence to help find an anomaly in the data in the government of many countries.
In addition
, older humans usually have more experience than adolescents in working in a big company or an industry.
For instance
, a qualification of occupation become sales marketing usually prioritizes a person with lots of experience. So, first graduate students whose average age is between 22 to 24 years, have a small chance to fulfil the qualification
due to
 the fact that they are still newbies compared to ageing citizens with experience.
On the other hand
, those whose age is above 70, cannot work as fast as the youth because their health is getting worse which influences their vision and hearing.
Thus
,
this
 will decrease their sensibility in working. As an illustration, an elderly person might struggle to read small print on a label or hear important instructions clearly in a noisy environment.
As a result
, they may take longer to complete tasks compared to younger individuals who can process information more quickly. In spite of their weakness, they may be a good mentor or inspiration for young individuals who have a big motivation and a spirit in work. In my view,
while
 ageing individuals bring problems
due to
 bad health, they
also
 can bring numerous benefits
such
 as helping the security of a country and becoming mentors for new generations.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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Task Response
Ensure to explicitly state your position more clearly at the beginning and how it aligns towards the conclusion. In this essay, the stance that you agree with should be clearer from the introduction. Try to make it explicit toward the beginning and remind the reader occasionally throughout.
Task Response
Ensure your examples are directly tied to the points made; your examples about older professors and job qualifications are relevant but could better tie back to the central argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on transitions between ideas to make them smoother. For instance, instead of saying "On the other hand," which suggests you are presenting an entirely new argument, you might use "However" or "Conversely," if you are providing a balancing view.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a generally clear structure with an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which all support the main argument.
Task Response
The example of an older professor contributing to technological advancements is strong and relevant. The essay provides examples that show understanding of the practical benefits elderly individuals can bring to society.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates your stance, which aids in firmly communicating your perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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